Now, whilst I don’t drink lager or give two shits about football, I’m still your typical red-blooded man. As such, I of course find myself inexplicably drawn to the wonders of boobs – the two mounds of flesh adorning the female form that are way more entertaining than they deserve to be.
When it comes to videogames, however, whilst the prospect of a bit of titillation is always alluring, the boobs presented on screen often just perplex me. That’s right, big bouncy videogame boobs sometimes leave me confounded. In some cases, angry, even.
For a start, more often than not they’re ridiculously large. Now, I’m sure oversized boobs float many peoples’ boats, but I’m frequently just left wondering what kind of back problems the characters attached to them probably have. I mean, take Lara Croft prior to her more reasonably proportioned reboot – her back would have been under catastrophic pressure from the bad boys hanging on to her chest for dear life, and she certainly wouldn’t have been able to pull off most of the acrobatic shit she apparently does with ease. My estimation is that the original Lara Croft was about 25% tits – that’s way too high a breast-to-body mass ratio for rock climbing without safety gear etc. She’s just asking for trouble.
Another issue I have with big bouncy boobs in videogames is that they give unrealistic expectations to hopeful gamers. They’re always so perfectly shaped and pert – when your average boob-ogling gamer finally gets to see a real pair they’ll more than likely be disappointed by what’s in front of their eyes. Perhaps the biggest surprise for them will be nipples – real, actual nipples that most boobs in videogames seem to be bereft of. Coming, like boobs, in all shapes and sizes, many a gamer will be left in awe as the stark realisation sets in that their favourite videogames have been lying to them all these years. Honestly gamers, it’s in your best interests for game developers to stop filling your heads with lofty expectations. Boobs and nipples are fun no matter their shape or size. I’m doing you a favour here by highlighting their heinous depiction in videogames. You can thank me later.
I always tend to wonder if well-endowed ladies in videogames wear bras, too. From fighting games to action adventures, even horrors, if there are women in them you can rest assured that their boobs will bounce and jiggle with a mesmerising amount of life. They don’t even need to perform energetic actions to put them into motion – just a gently paced stroll is usually enough to set them off. In games like Dead or Alive or Soul Calibur, I’m amazed that the female pugilists don’t give themselves black eyes with the amount of movement going on. Have game developers never heard of sports bras? Give the girls some modesty, please! It might even enable them to fight better.
Perhaps my biggest issue with big bouncy boobs though, is when the games they are in have glaring issues. You know the score; games with moronic AI, ugly graphical glitches, progress killing bugs, that kind of thing. I always think “surely the time they spent carefully crafting the perfect pair of boobs and then animating them jiggling about could have been better spent actually making the game better?” It’s entertaining watching a pair of boobs flop around like they’re made of jelly, sure, but I can’t enjoy it if my character is constantly falling through the floor, can I?
In the end, I guess there are a few exceptions where big bouncy boobs are okay. In games like Senran Kagura or Dead or Alive Xtreme maybe, where watching giant mounds of flesh defy the laws of gravity is pretty much all they have going for them. They do not have a place in games like Resident Evil though – I have enough on my plate managing my inventory and running away from a pissed-off Tyrant to care about Jill Valentine’s subtle chest wobble thankyouverymuch. And please, please, for the love of god, game developers; make sure your game is half decent and free of bugs before you start constructing impossibly perfect breasts for your characters and painstakingly animating them to move around like a couple of shitty Poundland footballs in a Jacuzzi.
Stupid Things in Videogames is a weekly satirical post where we firmly put our tongues in our cheeks and talk about the frustrating and/or amusing things that games frequently present us with.
Got your own pet peeve you want us to tear into? Comment below and we might just do so.