Keeping up with current events can be pretty time-consuming which is why, once again, GameSpew summarises this week’s totally honest, 100% factual, absolutely no bullshit gaming news so you don’t have to care.
In gaming news this week…
Mass Effect: Andromeda patched
Developers Bioware have released a new patch for their space-RPG Mass Effect: Andromeda, which contains a number of significant fixes and changes. From the patch notes:
- Crewman Howard Phillips no longer hovers above the deck, screaming in agony. Removed screaming sound, so screaming now silent.
- Added Elcor romance option.
- Fixed interface referring to Pee-Bee as Not Liara.
- In response to complaints about Hainly Abrams being badly written, dialogue has been modified so all characters are now badly written. Eg, upon meeting Suvi Anwar, she will offer you a deep fried Mars Bar.
- Theme from Steptoe and Son no longer plays when Ryder is walking around the ship.
Duke Nukem to be retroactively added to more games
Following the addition of Duke Nukem to Bulletstorm: Full Clip Edition, it’s been revealed that the brash, gun-toting, politically incorrect hero will be retroactively added to a range of other games.
“After Duke Nukem Forever bombed, we weren’t prepared to risk making another game,” a Gearbox spokesman explained. “This way, gamers get their fill of Duke, and we get royalties from the sales of every game we shoehorn him into.”
The next game to feature the character will be Gone Home: Duke’s Mixtape Edition, which will see Duke attempting to rescue his niece from a gang of lesbian space-pirates. Other Dukeified special editions are in the pipeline including Duke Souls, BioDuke and Kick-Ass Attorney.
New company to provide filler quests on demand
A new company, Busywork Inc, promises to save games designers time by providing them with filler quests and other tedious side missions. Founder and former Ubisoft employee Ray Dhiotowa outlined his company’s purpose:
“With so many open-world games being released, it can be a real drag having to think up side-quest after side-quest, just to give your gamers something to do. This is where we come in. By outsourcing their work to us, they can concentrate on developing a game’s main storyline, while we churn out all tedious filler quests they’ll need to make their empty landscape look occupied. Collectibles, soul-destroyingly dull escort missions, fetch quests – we handle it all.”
Those wishing to employ Busywork Inc’s services can do so by calling the number on their business cards, which have been cut into pieces and scattered across Yosemite National Park.
Father of Cyberpunk, William Gibson, to copyright “Witcher”
Author William Gibson, regarded by many as the father of cyberpunk, has announced his intention to copyright the word “Witcher”. He denied that this was in any way related to CD Projekt’s move to trademark the word “cyberpunk”.
“It may seem utterly absurd to copyright a word that I have absolutely no claim on, but I believe it’s an entirely prudent move. My next novel features a character by the name of ‘Francesca Witcher’ and I’d hate for anyone to confuse her with any other fictional character.”
Should Gibson be successful, he next intends to trademark gravelly-voiced men with beards.
Persona 5 launch barbecue ruined by tide
A beach-barbecue, held to commemorate the release of Persona 5, Atlus’s Japanese RPG, ran into problems when the tide started to come in. Atlus employee Ken Canute relates the story:
“Things were going well, we’d set up the barbecue on the beach but then we noticed people’s feet were getting wet. The water actually seemed to be getting closer for some reason. At first, we tried to ignore it, but then when it was up to people’s ankles, we realised we had to do something about it.”
“We tried shouting at the waves, but they still kept coming, showing a total lack of respect for all the effort we’d put into organising this barbecue. Next, we tried emptying the ocean with teaspoons but that didn’t work either. In the end, we had to call the whole thing off.”
Atlus are currently pursuing a lawsuit against Poseidon, Neptune and any other marine deities they can think of.
And that, in a nutshell, is all the gaming news that matters. Predictions for next week; Star Citizen is revealed to be an elaborate Alternate Reality Game and Breaking Bad: The MMORPG is announced.