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Totally True Gaming News: Mass Effect On Ice, Seaman Anticipation, Far Cry 5: Goat Story Mug Edition and More

After last week’s E3 2017 predictions, which will no doubt turn out to be entirely accurate, it’s business as usual for Totally True Gaming News. Once again, we’ve scoured the web to bring you the latest, hottest and 110% not made-up gaming news.

So without further ado, feast your eye-holes on the following:

EA confirms Mass Effect On Ice

Electronic Arts has today confirmed that the Mass Effect series is on ice. Literally. While there’s no planned Mass Effect: Andromeda follow-up, the studio has teamed up with Disney to create Mass Effect On Ice, a singing, dancing, ice-skating spectacular that will be touring various US cities, with the possibility of the show being taken further afield.

EA and Disney remain tight-lipped on the show’s storyline but they have divulged the titles of several of musical numbers which include:

  • “Be Our Geth”
  • “I’ll Make a Spectre Out of You”
  • “I Won’t Say (It’s a Reaper)”
  • “A Space Pirate’s Life”
  • “Ma Belle Liara”
  • “Tali’s Song”

Games journalists anticipating Seaman release

Games journalists across the globe are eagerly anticipating more information about the teased follow-up to Seaman, a virtual pet game which first saw the light of day on the Sega Dreamcast. Not because of the perceived quality of the game, however, but because it affords writers the opportunity to employ all manner of filthy puns.

The last Seaman joke was published in the space-year 2000 when writer Paul “Mr Biffo” Rose, creator of teletext video games magazine Digitiser, remarked that “Sega clearly thinks that its Seaman is good enough to put a smile on everyone’s face.”

For any writers struggling to devise appropriately mucky jokes, the phrases “salty reception”, “hard to swallow”, “come hard and fast” may prove useful. I hope that’s taken a load off your mind.

Leaked Arms art reveals characters are fighting for the right to die

A piece of leaked art has revealed that the characters in Nintendo’s forthcoming beat ’em up Arms are in fact battling for the right to end their nightmarish lives. Our inside source confirmed that this was indeed the case:

“The characters in Arms lead a particularly horrifying existence. They’ve had the bones removed from their arms and replaced with springs, an operation which, performed without anesthetic, is gruesome enough. But they live every day in constant pain, their mutilated, elongated limbs a source of unimaginable agony. The only reason they fight each other is that the victor will be granted the right to die, to flee this mortal coil and escape from their torment.”

Nintendo failed to respond to our request for comment, though they did post us a 3D printed model of Twintelle’s backside.

Far Cry 5 actually about hipsters

In an exclusive statement to GameSpew, Ubisoft have expressed their surprise at the mixed response to the recent Far Cry 5 reveal. An Ubisoft spokesperson takes up the story:

“I’ve no idea where people got the whole ‘white supremacist’ thing from. I thought we’d made it patently obvious that the villains in Far Cry 5 are hipsters. The beards, the ironic use of the American flag, the trying-too-hard-to-be-edgy ‘sinner’ performance art? If that doesn’t scream ‘hipster’, I don’t know what does. Though we did all have a chuckle at the gamers getting precious over its supposed theme. You just can’t please some people.”

Forty-three different Far Cry 5 editions will be released, the Ultra Mega Premium Edition featuring a tin of beard wax, a lifetime subscription to Instagram Premium and an iconic Goat Story mug.

Predictions for next week include: Konami purchases Bungie and reveals that Destiny 2 will be a pachinko machine, something something Overwatch and Resident Evil: Dance Off Edition.

Weekend Editor // Chris has been gaming since the days of the Acorn Electron, which was allegedly purchased to 'help him with his homework'. You can probably guess how well that went. He’ll tackle most genres – football titles aside – though he has a taste for games that that are post-apocalyptic, horror-oriented or thought provoking in nature.