Totally True Gaming News Round Up: E3 2017 Predictions

Why wait for E3? We’ve got it all here.

It’s been something of a slow news week. Little of consequence has happened in gaming or indeed in the real world; some guy called Des did a bungee jump to advertise his new game, but that’s about it. In lieu of any real news, I’ll be using this week’s column to outline my predictions for June’s Electronic Entertainment Expo, the upcoming gaming event where companies get to pretend that they have an actual business strategy. So without further ado, and before these Furby entrails get cold, here’s what you can look forward to at this year’s E3:

Hideo Kojima holds a press conference to reveal the true nature of his latest gaming endeavour, Death Stranding. Journalists arrive at the event to find a naked, oily Norman Reedus sprawled over a table, specifics of the game tattooed across his buttocks. Reporters are allowed two minutes to scrutinise his asscheeks, making as many notes as they can during this period. Kojima explains that, for those who were unable to attend the event, Reedus will later photocopy his rear end and upload it to the Death Stranding website.
Nintendo announces the “Year of Waluigi” before admitting they haven’t got anything specific planned.

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Sony and Microsoft hold a rare joint briefing, which is expected to be an announcement that they’ll be introducing cross-platform play. Instead, they warn attendees of a crisis in the games industry. Their respective spokespeople explain that, due to a fire in a Venezuela Binary Mine, the world is running out of 1s and 0s. Therefore, the only way to ensure that people get to play the games they want is to digitally pre-order them the moment they’re announced. They also take the opportunity to introduce a new pre-pre-order scheme, which allows gamers to pre-order games that might possibly be developed at some point.

Ubisoft’s event is quickly cancelled when the presenter’s eyeballs clip through his face and roll into the audience.

Backwards Compatibility becomes a hot topic this year. Microsoft’s big surprise is that not only will Xbox One owners now be able to play selected original Xbox titles on their console, they’ll also able to experience alpha and beta versions of cancelled titles such as Starcraft: Ghost. Sony counter by announcing that console owners will, with immediate effect, be able to play the entire PlayStation 1, 2 and 3 back catalogue for free. However, the software that enables this only runs on the Playstation Vita.

Hello Games, developers of No Man’s Sky, receive a lukewarm response to their press briefing. Director Sean Murray wanders over to the podium, picks his nose, and explains that the remainder of the briefing will delivered at a later date, before heading off to the bar.

Naughty Dog show off the first ten minutes of The Last of Us 2 revealing that, far from being the post-apocalyptic action game everyone expected, it is in fact a Guitar Hero style rhythm game. When attendees express confusion, a spokesman states “Teaser? No, that whole ‘Ellie playing the guitar’ clip was actual gameplay. I thought we’d made that pretty clear.”

Capcom announce a new beat-em-up, Ludicrous Fighter. “We were kicking around ideas at the last E3 after-party when it occurred to us that most companies have properties and characters that they’ve not used in years”, explains a Capcom spokesman. “It was Phil Spencer’s idea, really. He admitted he’d got no idea what the hell he was going to do with Conker the squirrel and it ballooned from there.” Ludicrous Fighter will feature characters from over forty different low-interest franchises, all vying for the chance to be popular again. Characters to be revealed will include nightmarish monkey-thing Alex Kidd, Bubsy the Bobcat, and Conker the foul-mouthed squirrel. Rare, creators of Conker’s Bad Fur Day, are not involved. In anything.

Sega cause a stir while previewing their forthcoming Sonic Forces game. The game is highly-anticipated due to the previous reveal that gamers will be able to create and play as their own fan-creations. However, a spokesman inadvertently lets it slip that Sega will own the copyright to any fan characters created using Sonic Forces’s in-game editor. He is later found strung up from the rafters, painted blue and covered in pregnant Sonic fan-art.

Other predictions: Crackdown reboot to be set in London, titled Crackdaaaaahn. Metal Gear Survive doesn’t and Gabe Newell trolls attendees by announcing “Half Life, free.”

Normal service will be resumed next week.