Games. They’re the only things that deserve to be news.
You only have to browse the internet to know that this is true. Maybe one day someone will ask Donald Trump his opinion of Breath of the Wild and the worlds of current affairs and gaming will collide. But for now, it’s only games that matter. And so, to summarise this week’s current gaming events, GameSpew presents another 100% not made-up, entirely unfabricated Totally True Gaming News Round Up.
Telltale tease Telltale’s The Walking Dead: The Board Game
With the end of episode game series The Walking Dead: A New Frontier in sight, developers Telltale Games have laid out their plans for the licence. Telltale’s The Walking Dead: The Board Game will feature the full “Telltale’s The Walking Dead” experience – but as a tabletop game. Each player will be given a randomly selected “protagonist”, and will earn points depending upon how much unpleasantness they can inflict on the character.
Participants will play “misery cards” upon their hapless victims, seeking to make their lives as grim as possible. Playing the “Crappy Families” card, for example, means that the character is forced to watch as their spouse and children are devoured by the living dead. The person who earns the most misery points is not, however, the winner. The actual winner is determined randomly prior to the game commencing, player’s decisions having no impact upon who emerges the victor.
Tracer temporarily pulled from Overwatch
Tracer, the popular time-twisting member of Overwatch’s roster was this week removed from the multiplayer shoot-em-up due to balancing issues. A Blizzard spokesman outlined the reason for this decision:
“It’s come to our attention, that Tracer’s butt is just too damn perfect and, as a result, competing players can’t stop gawping at it. This gives Tracer players an unfair advantage and so, earlier this week, we removed her from the game. We are currently looking at giving her a significantly less perfect rear end, but for now she’s no longer selectable.”
Tracer herself was unavailable for comment as she was taking elocution lessons from Dick Van Dyke. Blizzard are also investigating complaints that fellow fighter McCree is distractingly handsome.
Star Citizen to be an Nintendo Switch exclusive
Highly-anticipated and much-delayed space combat and trading game, Star Citizen, has changed platform. The game, which has been development in five years, will now be a Nintendo Switch exclusive. Our inside source explained:
“The problem was that eventually, we were going to have to release a game. By making Star Citizen a Nintendo Switch exclusive, we’ve solved that problem in a stroke. The difficulty of getting your hands on an actual Switch, coupled with Nintendo’s inability to distribute its products, means we can put out a blank cartridge and no-one will ever now.
If Nintendo somehow do start getting their act together, we’ve got enough cash squirreled away to buy up all the Switches before anyone gets their hands on one. Assuming they don’t cancel the console in the mean time. ”
Star Citizen will be released on the Nintendo Switch on June 30th this year.
Final Fantasy Cafe to open in London
London will be shortly receiving its own official Final Fantasy-themed cafe. Building on the success of Tokyo’s Final Fantasy cafe, the cafe, named “Frynal Fantasy” will be based around the popular Japanese RPG series. Visitors to the cafe will be able to order, amongst other items, Chocobo Salads, Materia Milkshakes and the restaurant’s specialty, the Aeris Gainsburger, a multi layered sandwich-on-a-skewer. Owner Cid Watkins is currently advertising for staff who are “surly, wacky, or gender ambiguous.”
And this, this week, is all the news that counts. Predictions for next week: Splatoon blamed for spike in squid ownership; Jarvis Poker, the British Joker added to Injustice 2’s roster; and Microsoft continues to insist Kinect not dead, only sleeping.