News. It happens all the time.
News is a fact of life, like beetles, gin and the planned obsolescence of Apple products. But who can you trust as your number one news source? Clearly, it’s us. Here at GameSpew, secreted within our fort made entirely of unsold copies of Aliens: Colonial Marines we’ve scoured the web and cherry-picked all the news that’s fit to read. And so we bring to you this week’s 100% accurate, entirely non-fictional Totally True Gaming News Round Up.
Noted modder restores long-lost Sony console to life
A long-lost Sony console has been restored to life, thanks to the effort of high-profile console modder Den Feck. The console, known as the “PlayStation Vita” was discovered at the bottom of a pile of 99,999 other identical consoles yet had remained out of commission till now. The noted modder, best known for putting a ZX Spectrum inside a Furby, stepped in and was able to “unbox” and “turn on” the device. Feck takes up the story:
“I’m glad I was able to help, because it’d be a crying to shame to let a piece of gaming history like this go to waste. We’re still a little unsure as to the true nature of the console. Sure, it says ‘Sony’ on the box, but they’ve denied that they ever manufactured the ‘Vita’. To my knowledge, no games were ever released for it.”
“The current theory is that this was intended to be a successor to the Atari Lynx, but that the partnership between Atari and Sony fell apart before the device was released.”
Feck’s next project will be to put a Raspberry Pi inside an actual raspberry pie. In Minecraft.
Konami announces Dance Dance: Graveolution
Konami have announced the forthcoming release of Dance Dance: Graveolution, the next entry in their semi-popular music video-game series. However, in a departure from the norm, the game will have players strutting their stuff atop the graves of various Konami characters.
“We didn’t feel we were doing enough to underline just how little respect we have for the various properties we own,” explained a Konami spokesman. “True, we’ve slapped the Castlevania and Silent Hill brand on Pachinko machines, green-lit Metal Gear: Survive and locked Hideo Kojima in a dingy basement, but we were concerned we still weren’t getting our message across.
So with Dance Dance: Graveolution, we remove all doubt. The title will have players actively dancing on the interred remains of our best loved characters. You’ll boogie on Simon Belmont’s bones, Salsa through Solid Snake’s crypt and so on. If this doesn’t underline how much contempt we have for these franchises, nothing will.”
Naked Norman Reedus was unavailable for comment.
More gaming crossovers in development
With the release of Puyo Puyo Tetris and the rumoured pending reveal of Mario x Rabbids RPG, 2017 is fast becoming the year of the gaming crossover. Seeking to jump on this bandwagon and fill their coffers by mashing their most successful titles together, many other companies are also preparing their own crossover games. Titles currently in development include:
- Katamari Rising: Journalist Frank West combats an undead outbreak by shoving an ever-expanding ball of living corpses around the Mid-West.
- Undertale Valley: After leaving the underworld, Undertale’s characters set up their own farm. Includes a mini game where you have to stop Toriel feeding your crop to her pet snails.
- Bubsy’s Gone to the Rapture: Play as gaming’s favourite bobcat as you roam several side-scrolling levels, gathering the souls of the deceased before they can be harvested by aliens.
- The LEGO Remains of Edith Finch: Roam around Edith’s estate, collecting the scattered brick remains of her ancestors. Then reassemble them and join them on a series of wacky LEGO adventures.
More are surely waiting in the wings.
Bethesda to take legal action against anyone or anything whose name sounds a bit like “Prey”
Having previously demanded that game Prey for the Gods change its name due to perceived confusion with their recently released shooter Prey, Bethesda are to expand the scope of their actions. According to our inside source, the company will be demanding that anyone or anything whose name sounds a bit like like Prey change their name.
At the time of writing, the company has prepared to issue demands against Kid ‘N Play, nineties Killer Instinct knock-off Pray For Death, cancelled TV series Birds of Prey, and Michael Crichton (deceased author of the novel Prey).
And there you have it, with not a word of a lie. Predictions for next week; Aunt Rhody sick of people telling her about Resident Evil 7, Domasi “Tommy” Tawodi to sue Bethesda for breach of contract and Watch Dogs 3 to be about dog-sitting.