Totally True News Gaming Round Up: NES Spiders, Horizon Zero Duckface and More

It’s been quite a week for news, with Square Enix stating that they’d give the Hitman franchise to anyone who could correctly guess their weight in marbles.

Equally surprising was the news that Alan Wake was to be pulled from digital stores as it didn’t actually exist. But massive as these events were, there was plenty else going on in the world of games. And so, to keep you up to date on the games industry’s hottest happenings, GameSpew presents this week’s Totally True News Gaming Round Up: all the news that is 100% genuine and not in any way an elaborate work of fiction.

Horizon: Zero Dawn photo mode draws gamer ire

Horizon: Zero Dawn’s recently added photo mode has drawn dozens of complaints from users irked at what they see to be the mode’s limited scope. In particular, they’re dissatisfied with the lack of “pose” options. Several aggrieved users took to the web to complain.

“What’s the point of just being able to make a heart shape with your fingers? I ploughed hours and hours into this game, and I can’t even make her pick her nose?” explained one gamer.

“This is just a joke. Garry’s Mod gives you the freedom to pose the characters as you seek. Being able to change the luminosity of a shot doesn’t mean a thing if I can’t have Aloy kicking Helis up the arse!” added another enraged player.

By way of response, the next patch will add a “duckface” pose.

Virtual VR Headset Owner Sim to hit multiple platforms this Autumn

Bothersome Studios, a studio joint funded by Oculus, HTC and Sony, has announced the forthcoming release of Virtual VR Headset Owner Sim, a game that will allow headset owners to enter a world where their expensive purchases are worthwhile. Llama Pluckey, the studio’s founder, explains:

“It’s become apparent that a lot of headset owners are less than happy with their purchases. They’ve spent an outrageous amount of money on purchasing a Virtual Reality set-up only to find that it’s a distinctly underwhelming experience, with few stand-out titles available. Virtual VR Headset Owner Sim will fix all that.

Upon loading up the game, players will find themselves digitally inserted into a world where their purchases are, far from being expensive white elephants, appreciated by all. They’ll walk down the street and have NPCs compliment them on their choice of headset. They’ll be able to virtually walk into a game store and see whole walls of AAA VR-only titles. True, they won’t be able to play them, but it’ll give them the sense that they’ve not wasted their money.”

Virtual VR Headset Owner Sim will be released in October, priced at £499.99.

NES cartridges being smuggled inside spiders

Custom officers this week were stunned to discover that spiders were being used to smuggle rare NES cartridges. A consignment of Chilean Rose Tarantulas, which were passing through Canadian customs, were found to contain a number of rare Nintendo Entertainment Cartridges, worth up to $2,000 on eBay. A customs officer takes up the story:

“There wasn’t anything that unusual about the spiders. They seemed a little sleepy, but tarantulas can be like that. We were just sitting there admiring them, when one of them vomited up a copy of Cheetajman 2 for NES. Before we knew it, we’d got ten spider-vomit soaked Nintendo rarities sitting in our office.”

Canadian customs are currently attempt to track down the rightful owner of the cartridges. This is their largest video-game related haul since 2014 when a business traveller was discovered with a Legless Princess Peach amibo sewn into his spleen.

Prey Patch Notes

Arcane Studios and Bethesda Softworks have detailed a list of upcoming changes that will be implemented in the latest patch for Prey, their recently released sci-fi action rpg.

  • Frozen space-bound corpse of Domasi “Tommy” Tawodi now correctly orbits Talos 1 instead of floating outside atrium window, his dead eyes staring accusingly at you.
  • Fixed bug where enemies would get stuck inside rocks, rendering them unkillable. Rocks can now be killed.
  • Alex Yu’s descriptor no longer refers to him as Asian Gabe Newell.
  • Added arachnophobe friendly option which replaces spider-mimics with tiny screeching clowns.
  • Fixed bug whereby all NPCs could be forced into the recycler, their screams echoing through the station as they were agonisingly reduced to their organic components. This can now only be done to non quest-essential NPCs.
  • Dual wrench-wielding added.

That’s all the news this week; anything else you’ve heard is a filthy lie. Predictions for next week; Pay-per-spin Fidget Spinner app hits iOS, Sonic the Hedgehog kisses all the princesses and Jurassic Park: Trespasser HD edition announced.