At GameSpew we’ve selflessly taken it upon ourselves to document the industry’s latest comings and goings, which we present weekly in the form of the entirely accurate, definitely not made-up, Totally True Gaming News Round Up.

In the wake of last week’s mass exodus to Los Angeles, which was due to the sighting of a rare Pokémon, the games industry has finally returned to normal. And by “normal”, we mean continuing to make decisions by asking the office cat. Having picked through the hairballs, we can bring you all the news that matters.

Take-Two to bring “Mod-Running” mode to Grand Theft Auto Online

After issuing a cease-and-decist letter to the developers of Grand Theft Auto 5 modding tool “OpenIV”, Take Two, publishers of the game, have announced that they will be adding a “Mod-Running” mode to the game’s online portion.

“We felt that Gun-Running wasn’t nearly severe enough a crime to figure into Grand Theft Auto,” explained a Take Two spokesperson. “Sure, illegal guns pose some minor risk but it pales in comparison to the hazardous, life-ruining effect of game-altering mods. So as of next Monday, it’ll be replaced with a mode whereby players smuggle illegal game mods through the city. “

“Naturally, given the severity of the crime, the risks are high but so are the rewards. Players will receive up to $252,000 in in-game cash for successfully smuggling a Pikachu mask through the streets. Or for those willing to risk it all, you can earn $15,525,000 for delivering an Iron Man add-on.”

Players who do manage to complete any of the Mod-Smuggling missions will forever have the words “Filthy Game Ruining Scum” appended to their names.

E3 2017 Patch Announced

The Entertainment Software Association have announced the latest patch for E3 2017, which will bring the version up to E3.5. From the patch notes:

  • Microsoft’s Phil Spencer now only wears four watches per arm, down from the previous seven.
  • Fixed bug that prevented 95% of female hosts from spawning in.
  • VR no longer referred to as “horrible, worthless white elephant”.
  • Removed all reference to E-Sports, Twitch or YouTube.
  • Added time-acceleration option.
  • Audience whoops are now 10% more convincing.

PlayStation Minecraft players demand right to play with Xbox morons and PC owning clowns

Aggrieved by the announcement that Windows and Xbox-based Minecraft players will be able to meet and play in-game, PlayStation-based Minecraft owners are demanding the same privileges. To bolster this point, several petitions have been set up to demand that Sony also implement cross-platform play.

Should Sony comply, PS3, PS4 and PS Vita Minecrafters will be able to play with the same gamers who they have referred to as “Xbox Boneheads”, “Live Losers”, “PC Pricks” and “Microsuckers” (amongst other less repeatable names).

Notch was unavailable for comment as he was too busy diving into a vast money-filled vault.

IO Interactive programmer disappointed by studio’s new independence

IO Interactive, creator of Hitman, has announced that not only is it now an independent games studio but it has retained the rights to the long running game series. This news has been a relief to most at the company, with the exception of programmer and designer Will Simons.

“Don’t get me wrong,” explains Simons. “We were all panicking when we learned Square Enix were looking to sell us off. And I understand it’s a good thing that everyone here’s still got their their jobs and that we can move forward. But I designed this really cool Hitman mission that gave Square Enix the finger, which we were going to put out just before they got rid of us. But I’m gutted that now it’ll never see the light of day.”

“I’d put so much work into it. It wasn’t a rehash of a previous level; I’d actually created a whole new location which took an age in itself. You were going to be sent in to kill a marketing manager at ‘Round Eunuchs’, a hateful, soulless, money-grubbing monster who saw people as disposable assets. I was particularly proud of how many different ways they were to dispatch him. My favourite was by far the ‘Money Shot’ kill, where you decapitated him with his oversized platinum credit card.”

“Oh well. Maybe things will go really badly for us and I’ll get to use it after all.”

Predictions for next week; the ghost of Tom Clancy demands his name be removed from forthcoming games, Hello Kitty Roller Rescue is the first original Xbox game to be playable on Xbox One, and Nintendo trademarks “Not Coming To Nintendo Switch.”