Without a doubt, this is a week which will go down in history; a week when, against all odds, we discovered we were getting a new Bubsy the Bobcat game.
Such was the enormity of this news that the vast majority of publishers have pulled out of E3 on the grounds that their press conferences couldn’t hope to eclipse the return of the One True Nineties Mascot. Yet other things did happen, so it’s down to GameSpew to take up the slack and deliver to you this week’s news; news which is guaranteed (not actually guaranteed) to be 105.62% true and certainly not made up on the spot.
Viva Piñata to be rebooted.
A full nine years after the last Viva Piñata game was published, Microsoft and Rare have announced that they’ll be rebooting the series as a gritty action-rpg. Viva Piñata: Hell Tastes Like Candy will star M.M. Mallowolf, who, after seeing his fellow pinatas shed their sugary insides right in front of him, embarks on a gruesome quest for vengeance.
Armed only with a Nerf bat and a Super-Soaker filled with Red Bull, Mallowolf will blast, bludgeon and hack his way across twenty suburban levels before confronting the game’s final boss, a mysterious figure known only as “The Party Planner”.
Those who pre-order the game will receive Conker the Sweary Squirrel as an additional playable character because Rare has no clue what else to do with him.
Gearbox Software hacked and raided, thieves demanding ransom.
While this has yet to be confirmed officially, rumour has it that CD Projekt, developer of the forthcoming Cyberpunk 2077 wasn’t the only company to have its work stolen. Our source has informed us that Gearbox has been subject to both a cyber-attack and a physical robbery, the thieves making off with artwork, code and a whole host of other assets used in the development of Aliens: Colonial Marines.
The thieves have apparently issued Gearbox an ultimatum that unless they are wired £100,000 by the end of the week, they’ll return the stolen assets to Gearbox. Gearbox and Sega, the game’s publisher, are apparently trying to make the ransom money by selling off unused copies of the game. At the time of writing, they’ve raised a grand total of £17.21.
The horrifying truth behind Super Mario Odyssey’s hat.
In a rather dark deviation from the norm, leaked Nintendo documents have revealed that far from being a friendly, benign creature, the hat that Mario wears in Super Mario Odyssey is a nightmarish parasitic organism. Dubbed Cordyceps Millinaris, the “hat” is a horrifying fungus that has sprung from the lowest reaches of the Mushroom Kingdom.
During the game’s opening level, Mario picks up the hat fungus only to find he can’t take it off. As the game progresses, the fungus grows, sending its tendrils deeper into Mario’s brain. The progressive mutations grant Mario additional abilities; apart from being able to jump higher he becomes able to decapitate foes with the twisted, gnarled claw that was once his left arm. The corresponding disadvantage is that, in later levels, his increasingly distorted cries of “Kill-a-me-now” become so disturbing and frequent that you’ll need to reach for the mute button.
No Man’s Sky tapes reveal one word – “Portal”.
In what appears to be teaser for forthcoming content, Hello Games, developer of No Man’s Sky has sent out several tapes which, when properly decoded, reveal the word “portal.” William Stevens, who received one of the tapes, takes up the story:
“When you first listen to the tapes, there’s nothing much out of the ordinary about them. They’re just recordings of Sean Murray (Hello Games’ founder and spokesperson) begging to be let out of the cellar. However, when you start to listen again you start to notice a pattern.”
“For example, if you string together the pauses between ‘Please, I swear I won’t ever talk to the press again!’,‘I only wanted the game to sell!’ and ‘Oh god, is that Peter Molyneux’s skeleton?’ you realise the gaps can be interpreted as Morse code. Put them together and you get the word ‘Portal’”
“Utter genius. I’m so excited to see just what this means for the game.”
And that, in a gin-steeped nutshell, is the news. Predictions for next week; Marvel VS Capcom: Infinite reported to Advertising Standards Authority for not actually being infinite, Shenmue 3 delay down to lack of sailors, and Capcom files trademark for Monster Hunter: Slough.