Welcome to this week’s Totally True Gaming News, your 100% true, definitely not made up, non-fictional, flim-flam free source for all that’s lukewarm in the world of games.
This week, we’ve held a net over the gushing game geyser and caught these entirely factual gems:
Sniper Elite 5 announced
Rebellion, creators of Sniper Elite, have announced the next entry in the series. In a break from the norm, the game will not be set in a pock-marked warzone, but within the body of Adolf Hitler. Sniper Elite 5: Fuhrertastic Journey will see the player miniaturised and injected into the wartime dictator with the aim of murdering him, organ by organ. From Rebellion’s press release:
“We carried out a great deal of market research and picked through the stats that were sent to our server. It quickly became apparent that the bulk of gamers had no interest in playing the game as a whole. All they really wanted to do was to shoot Adolf Hitler and watch a bullet shred his guts.”
“So with this next instalment, we’ve decided to give players what they want. They not only get to murder Hitler but they can take their time over it as they battle their way to his hate-filled cerebellum.”
Sniper Elite 5: Fuhrertastic Journey will also be available in a special edition which features a life size model of Hermann Goering’s spleen and an exclusive mission, “They Saved Hitler’s Testicle”.
Nintendo and Hori shed light on Splatoon voice connectivity
This week, Hori released a rather confusing diagram illustrating just how their upcoming Splatoon headset would connect to the Nintendo Switch. Thankfully, Nintendo and Hori have now banged their heads together and released a less convoluted set of instructions, as seen below:
In addition, they’ve also outlined some of the steps you can take to ensure that your Splatoon voice-chat experience goes without a hitch:
- Where possible, use your Splatoon headset in the cellar
- If you do not have a cellar, one will be provided for you.
- The cellar may appear to grow and shrink in size; this is just a trick of the light.
- Do not remove the headset before leaving the cellar.
- Be a kid now.
- Be a squid now.
- Do not attempt to be a kid and squid at the same time, as this may lead to irreversible traumatic injury.
New Ubisoft logo actually just a glitch
It’s been revealed that, far from being a redesign, Ubisoft’s “new” logo is just a glitch in the Matrix-style artificial environment that we all inhabit. A processor error resulted in the colour appearing to vanish from the emblem, giving the appearance of a redesign.
“I can assure you, that our iconic logo remains the same as it always has”, explained an Ubisoft spokesmen, pausing to cram his levitating eyeballs back into their sockets. “Our hidden masters are working to fix the issue and normal swirly-blue service will resumed as soon as possible.”
Aiden Pearce’s baseball cap was unavailable for comment.
NHS partnering with Twitch to introduce “Crowd Surgery”
Following on from the success of Twitch’s viewer-participation streams, Britain’s National Health Service will be partnering up with the streaming company to deliver the world’s first “Crowd Surgery” system.
In an effort to reduce surgery waiting lists, patients will be able to opt for Crowd Surgery. Though the usual nurses and anaesthetists will be on hand to prepare the patient for surgery, they will then be placed inside the Surgery-O-Matic 3000. This machine will then be controlled by Twitch viewers, who will be watching the surgery unfold.
No single Twitch viewer will have control over the Surgery-O-Matic 3000. Instead, the machine will draw upon the general consensus, polling viewers as to whether it should cut the blue vein or the red vein. Initial trials of the Crowd Surgery system have been highly successful, though one patient did complain that her stitches spelt out the words “Ed Balls Was Here”.
And that’s all the news there is. Predictions for next week; in preparation for the new season of Game of Thrones, For Honor gets free “For Hodor” DLC; E3 to receive sequels E4, E5 and E6 and Hudson Hawk VR coming to Oculus Rift.