10 Reasons Why You Are an NPC’s Worst Nightmare

3. You treat people as a disposable asset

You could tell that things weren’t going well when the Babylonians were wiped out. They were your closest allies, right until the last of their cities fell to the combined armies of Emperor Lincoln and Overlord Ghandi. Soon, their tanks were within range and you were hopelessly outgunned; but not outnumbered. That’s when the idea hit you – rush attack!

It didn’t work, of course, but still your faithful followed, spears in hand, as they headed out to fight. Even when the strange mechanical monsters started to belch fire, they still believed in you. They leapt at the tanks, weapons ineffectually bouncing off their metallic hide. Right up until they died, they were sure that some miracle would save them, that lighting would arc down from the sky and annihilate their foes.

The same thoughts occurred to the fifteen other battalions you sent out, each convinced you were testing them and that their fallen brethren had been spirited off to Valhalla. When the tanks finally ground to a halt, their wheels gummed up by the pulverised corpses of 1,214 spearmen, a revelation finally struck you. You really should have put more points into military research.

4. You are a walking disaster zone

Everywhere you go, disaster follows. That’s a fact, albeit one that’s escaped many of the NPCs who are entirely happy to cheer you as the hero who saved their land from certain destruction. But there’s one man who knows otherwise, who suspected the truth. It bothered him that, for so many years, the land had been at peace and yet the moment you appeared, things started happening. Unpleasant things. Dragon attacks, rogue trolls and more; monsters that hadn’t been seen for years were now ludicrously commonplace.

And then he started digging a little deeper, investigating witness reports, speaking to the city guard, anything that would confirm or discount his theory. In a way, he wanted to be wrong; but he wasn’t. Focusing on the dragon attacks, he discovered that the dragons only ever attacked locations while you were there. You weren’t saving the world from the dragons, you were attracting them! Couldn’t these people see that the only way to keep their cities safe, to keep themselves safe, was to keep you well away from any populated area? Nor, was this the only time this had happened; history was smattered with similar tales of horrifying events that only took place when a “hero” entered the kingdom.

He was on his way to tell the Jarl his findings when he saw you emerge from The Bannered Mare, sword slung over your back. The man turned towards his house and started to run; right about the time that a vast, familiar shadow fell over the town. The gust from its wings send him stumbling backwards and, cracking his head on a stable post, he passed out.

Hours later, the battle long over, he was kneeling in front of his house, nothing left but ash and bone. As the survivors of the attack run milled around you, singing your praises, he alone sat there in silence.

But, hey, those dragon scales were sure going to make a fancy helmet.