Half Life has, without a doubt, been this week’s biggest story.
After all, who could have guessed that – 19 years after the game’s original release – it’d receive a new patch. Granted, all the patch does is digitally insert footage of Gabe Newell laughing as he shreds a bunch of Half Life 3 design documents, but it’s still quite an occasion.
However, there have been plenty of other things going on in the world of gaming, which is where GameSpew’s Totally True Gaming News Round Up comes in. We’ve punched holes in the newsbucket and, sifting through the leakage, bring you the best of this week’s 100.142857142857% accurate, definitely-not-made-up gaming news.
Xbox One to enable gift griefing
It’s been announced that the Xbox One will be receiving a gifting system which gamers will inevitably use to troll the living daylights out of each other.
“I’m glad Microsoft have finally seen the light and will be adding this feature to the Xbox. I’m looking forward to sending my “friends” games that call into question their taste, intelligence, appearance, sexuality or that are just plain awful. I’ve got an uncle who works at Microsoft and he tells me that you’ll even be able to gift free games, which is great; everyone on my friends list is going to receive a copy of Ben Hur.”
It’s expected that Sony will follow suit and that, by 2019, every single PlayStation 4 gamer will own fourteen copies of the universally panned Life of White Tiger.
Mass Effect: Andromeda players will be able to transfer their characters to Dragon Age
In light of Mass Effect: Andromeda’s poor reception, creators BioWare have stated that those who purchased their game will be able to transfer their main character to the next, as yet untitled, Dragon Age game.
“We didn’t want players to feel all their efforts were for nothing,” explained designer Will Simons, “And the two universes have got a lot in common. Both feature massively convoluted and highly improbable storylines, lightning-fast romances and choices that have little actual bearing on the outcome of your adventure.”
“Heck, since Mass Effect’s dead in the water, we might as well chuck a few more characters in there. We’re giving some serious thought to just gluing horns onto Garrus and making him a Qunari.”
Commander Shepard was unavailable for comment.
Pulled games to be wiped from reality
Following on from a lawsuit over a game which we now have no recollection of, games which are pulled from Steam or other digital storefronts will now be wiped from existence through means that we are, again, not privy to. Though it seems likely that some shadowy organisation, possibly the SCP Foundation is involved.
In the trial case, the company’s lawyer reportedly argued that merely pulling the game was not sufficient since it had already been on the market for some time and that therefore reactively erasing it from reality was the only reasonable option. Those who worked on the game and who work on future pulled titles will suffer no loss of income but will be left with a puzzling gap of several months during which they did absolutely nothing.
New company to deliver games-specific clickbait
If you’ve spent any length of time on the internet, you can’t have failed to notice the sponsored “clickbait” links that appear at the bottom of many web pages. Yet these stories are often poorly targeted and of little interest to gamers. This is set to change thanks to a recently founded company, Downloadable Clicktent. As explained by their spokesperson:
“We’ve come to realise that someone who is actively seeking out information on new gaming release might not be interested in what Angelina Jolie was wearing last Tuesday or how many times Prince George picked his nose and wiped it on one of the Queen’s corgis.”
“So, working in concert with a number of games sites we’ve come up with a range of interest-grabbing stories that we think gamers will spend more than a second gawping at.”
GameSpew was given a sneak preview of these gamer-grabbing adverts which, starting next week, will be gracing games sites across the web:
And that’s it for this week, none of the week’s other news being of any consequence whatsoever. Predictions for next week; Star Wars: The Last Jedi to feature a computer generated Grotbags the Witch, DDOS Simulator released and Oculus Rift to be given away with selected packets of cornflakes.