Welcome to GameSpew’s Totally True Gaming News Round Up; less a love letter to the games industry, more a series of mucky texts.
We’ve once again scoured the web to bring you the best of this week’s gaming news, stories that actually happened and are no way fake, fabricated, or fictionalised.
SNES Classic Mini to be broken into pieces and scattered across the realm
Nintendo hasrevealed that, contrary to earlier reports, only one Super Nintendo Classic Mini will be manufactured. The console will then be shattered into a hundred glowing fragments which will be scattered across the mystical realm of Zxyyyntzx.
“We were concerned that the SNES Classic Mini might be a little too easy to come by,” explained Dark Wizard Reginald, Flayer of Anguish. “This way, only the bravest of adventurers will be able to reunite the pieces of this treasured artefact and, with an appropriate human sacrifice, restore it to full, glorious working order.”
Stock of Nintendo’s subsequent console, the N64 Classic, will be pitched directly into an industrial incinerator.
Shadow of the Colossus creator proposes remake changes
As recently reported, Fumito Ueda, creator of Shadow of the Colossus, has submitted a list of changes that’d he’d like to see Sony implement in the forthcoming remake. We’ve got our hands on this list and can now exclusively reveal these proposed alterations:
- Mono’s body to be replaced with a giant bag of uncooked pasta.
- Add a sequence where you have to cut Agro open and crawl into their intestines for warmth.
- Save points to be branches of Hot Topic.
- Cameo appearance from Frank West, voiced by T.J. Rotolo
- Entire soundtrack to be replaced with a loop of the Pacific Rim theme.
- Wander’s name to be changed to “Stupid Boy”.
- It’s unclear as to just how many of those changes, if any, Sony is going to implement, though the company has confirmed that those who pre-order the remake will be able to play as Duke Nukem.
Konami launches “Troll Hideo Kojima” competition
Konami this week announced that it’s inviting gamers to suggest ways in which it can troll and enrage former Konami employee and Metal Gear Solid developer Hideo Kojima.
“It’s common knowledge that we’ve never really forgiven Hideo for clipping his toenails in the Konami Japan break room”, explained a Konami spokesperson. “But we’re rapidly running out of ideas as just how to get our own back. He left the company before we could sellotape him to the ceiling or fill his car with polystyrene packing material.”
“So we’ve had to resort to long distance trolling; releasing Metal Gear and Silent Hill pachinko machines, coming up with Metal Gear Survive, anything that we thought would rub him up the wrong way. Our latest jape was putting Pyramid Head in the Switch version of Bomberman but Kojima has still remained remarkably chilled. So that’s why we’re throwing this out to the public.”
The person who comes up with the most creative or effective way of trolling Kojima will receive a 3D printed copy of Norman Reedus’s left elbow.
Vague News Network launched
Following on from last week’s shocking revelation that “Something is happening with Dragon Age”, a new website, the “Vague News Network” has been launched to cater to those seeking non-specific gaming news. The site draws from a bank of random phrases to create stories that, while technically correct, are so vague as to be nearly useless. Headlines featured on the site have so far included:
- E-Sports pro kicked from team for offensive remarks.
- Long awaited game delayed to next spring.
- Anti-piracy DRM cracked within first day of release.
- Publisher defends “need” for in-game microtransactions.
- New game not coming to Nintendo Switch.
- Randy Pitchford slightly annoyed again.
And that’s all the news, sponsored this week by the “Just What On Earth Is Alex Kidd Anyway?” Foundation. Predictions for next week: Alien Colonial Marines soundtrack released on vinyl, Lego Resident Evil announced and Ubisoft just slapping “Beyond Good and Evil 2” stickers on unsold copies of No Man’s Sky.