Gaming news is that which occupies the space between the endless “my console is better than yours” arguments.
And this week has been no exception, with more news than you can shake an entirely CGI-rendered game trailer at. We’ve dug through the facts with a second hand comb we found in a bin to bring you the best of the utterly true, definitely not made-up news stories of the week.
James Pond to get a gritty reboot
Seeking to capitalise on the popularity of the remastered Crash Bandicoot N.Sane Trilogy, Electronic Arts have announced that they will be bringing back fishy 90’s platform hero, James Pond. But rather than going for a straight remaster, they will be giving the character a complete makeover.
James Pond: Fist Out of Water will see the aquatic avenger coming home from a tour of duty in Sea-atnam to find his family have been gutted and deboned by the Jellyfish Mafia. Having lost his fins in combat, Pond equips himself with a pair of bionic arms and goes on a vengeance-fueled gilling spree. Further details have yet to be released, but we do know that Pond will be voiced by Michael Ironside.
Nintendo details Splatoon 2 Team Mayo name change
In response to complaints about the somewhat suspect appearance of Team Mayo’s “ink”, Nintendo have revealed that the next Splatoon 2 splatfest will feature a significant change. Of the two teams featured in this competitive online event, Team Ketchup will remain but Team Mayo will be rebranded as Team Brown Sauce. Nintendo’s Reggie Filo-Pastry explains:
“We honestly didn’t notice until people started pointing it out, but yes, it did look a bit odd to have players running around coating everything with off-white fluid. ‘Gross’, ‘icky and ‘pus-like’ are just some of the words that we’ve heard used to describe Team Mayo’s inky expulsions.”
“Which is why, for the next Splatfest, we’ll be renaming Team Mayo to Team Brown Sauce and changing their signature colour. So next Splatfest, if you’re not a fan of Ketchup, you can join Team Brown Sauce and cover everything in a muddy hue.”
Nintendo hopes that this rebranding will be well received by those who found Team Mayo’s original ink colour a little off-putting.
Injustice 2 to receive slew of new premier skins
After the release of Bizarro, a “premier skin” that lent a new voice and appearance to Injustice 2’s Superman, it’s been revealed that the fighting game will, over the next few weeks, be receiving more such skins. These will include:
- Anatomically Impossible Cover Pose Starfire
- Mankini Bane
- Improbably Top-Heavy Catwoman (exclusively designed by Jim Balent)
- Arnold Schwarzenegger Mr Freeze
- 1960s Batman
- Jarvis Poker, the British Joker
- Captain Head Cold
A Change.org petition requesting a “Harambe” Gorilla Grodd skin currently stands at 125,296 signatures.
Gamestop looking to recruit people who hate their extended family
Following on from US games retailer GameStop’s assertion that many of their employees asked to work on Thanksgiving, the company has already started making preparations for next year’s Thanksgiving opening by recruiting people who hate their extended families.
“Do you hate your relatives? The ones that you only ever see once, maybe twice a year and yet manage to irritate you so much that you consider beating them to death with a turkey leg? Then work at GameStop!” reads their latest advertisement.
“We’re looking for employees who would actively embrace the notion of working on a day when most other people are at home enjoying a grand feast. No longer will you have to put up with Uncle Will spraying stuffing everywhere when he talks, and you’ll be free from Grandma’s Josephine’s thinly-veiled racism.”
“NOTE: Applicants must be able to refrain from violence when people, while paying for their purchases, complain that the store’s open on Thanksgiving.”
In related news, GameStop have also stated that Adam Jensen did in fact “ask for this.”
Join us next week for more entirely accurate news including the revelations that Death Stranding is actually an elaborate promotion for Hideo Kojima’s new adult colouring book, The Last of Us 2 will be set in Slough, and Overwatch has been modded to be playable in Overwatch.