It’s been a week like no other.
Which isn’t surprising, since if it had been we’d all be stuck in some of Groundhog Day style loop. But do you wonder what stinky nuggets of news the games industry has coughed up? Wonder no more as we round up the facts with this week’s relentlessly accurate and definitely not fabricated Totally True Gaming News.
Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice patch to add features taken from Jet Set Willy
In response to complaints about Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice does-it-or-doesn’t-it-exist permadeath system, the game’s developers have announced that, following a consultation with the designer of eighties game Jet Set Willy, they’ll be implementing a lives system. Players will be given a total of seven lives which, when exhausted, will result in a game over. Saving will also no longer be an option, so the game will have to be completed in one sitting. Also, the new patch will make it entirely possible for Senua to fall to her death, respawn in mid air-and then die again, using up all her lives in the space of thirty seconds.
“That’ll really give them something to whinge about,” explained director Tameem Antoniades.
Frosty survival game “The Dong Lark” gets a full release
This week saw the release of a snow-themed survival game which, after spending five years in Early Access, has now achieved its final form. The Dong Lark follows the frostbitten exploits of a hapless husband-to-be who, the morning after his stag do, wakes up naked and handcuffed to the South Pole.
You must not only help him survive in his Antarctic environment, all parts intact, but make sure he gets back home in time for his wedding. The game sees the beleaguered bridegroom battling killer penguins, hollowing out sea-lions for warmth and frantically texting his fiancée, using his dwindling battery, trying to persuade her that he’ll be at the church on time.
Reviews of the game have been positive, with particular praise being levelled at the “permawang” mechanic which, if the player fails to keep their character warm, results in the item in question dropping off and shattering into a million pieces.
“I crossed my legs and I haven’t been able to uncross them since,” explained one male reviewer.
Tails the Fox to be removed from PC version of Sonic Mania
Sega have announced that the PC version of their latest Sonic the Hedgehog game, Sonic Mania, will be delayed for two weeks. This is in order to remove all traces of Tails the Fox from the game.
“We’ve been dancing around the issue for years,” explained Sega’s President, “But the truth is, Tails the Fox is just rubbish. We felt we were able to leave him in the console version of the game, but PC players have standards and we knew we couldn’t inflict him on them any longer.”
“Let’s face it – he’s got the aeronautical capabilities of a fart in a plastic bag, he’s forever falling behind or onto spikes and that stupid plane of his? Honestly. We’re thinking of contacting Nintendo and seeing if we can borrow Yoshi.”
Knuckles the Echidna was unavailable for comment.
Shadow of War Loot Boxes to contain smaller Loot Boxes
Following on from the news that Shadow of War, the upcoming Lord of the Rings game, will contain Loot Boxes, Monolith and Warner Brothers have issued a clarification regarding the game’s apparent pay-to-win mechanic.
“Having given the matter some serious thought, we’ve decided that adding “loot boxes” to the game wasn’t the smartest move,” explained WB spokesman Will Simons. “Having taken a good long hard look at our financial projections for this game, we’ve decided to take things a step further.”
“Sure, there are those who will ignore the loot box system, but we’re thinking of the gamers who will gladly fork out cash to suck the enjoyment out a game they’ve paid an outrageous amount of money to own. That’s why each loot-box will contain a smaller loot-box which will in turn require an additional payment to unlock.”
We asked Simons whether he’d considered putting another loot box inside the second loot box.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” he replied, “We’ve got to leave something for the sequel.
And that’s the news. Predictions for next week: Get Out director Jordan Peele to sue Nintendo over Super Mario Odyssey, Fallout 4 to get “We Apologise For Not Being As Good As New Vegas” edition, and Sega finally explains what Alex Kidd was.