Unless you’ve been sharing a box with Schrodinger’s Cat, you can’t have failed to notice that the fabled Destiny 2 is finally here!

In a show of solidarity, gaming outlets across the world have come together and agreed to dedicate every inch of virtual column-space to the game of games. Here at GameSpew we are no different and so this week’s definitely-not-made-up Totally True Gaming News will be exclusively focused on the release of this multiplayer thing.

A little history

Destiny’s developers, Bungle, are no strangers to success. They first came to prominence in 1997 when they released Halo, a point-and-click adventure about an intergalactic chocolate salesman and his robotic sidekick. Selling upwards of 25,000 copies, the game was a surprise smash and was ported to multiple platforms including PC, PlayStation 2, Atari Jaguar and Nintendo Virtual Boy. The company went on to release several sequels as well as a Scratch ‘N Sniff remaster of the original game.

Since Halo featured no multiplayer component, it was something of a departure for Bungle to release a multiplayer-only game. Destiny began life as a mod for Nintendo’s inky action game, Splatoon and was only ever intended for play within Bungle’s offices. But when several employees were hospitalised over a post-mast disagreement, Bungle’s management started to pay attention. Bungle’s CEO, Peter Parsnip, saw that the game had potential and, after further development, Destiny was born.

Destiny 2‘s new universe

Up until two weeks before release, Destiny lacked any kind of backstory or context. The game’s storyline was added at the last minute, based upon a rather smutty piece of Halo fan-fiction. For Destiny 2, however, Bungle have gone back to the drawing board and have crafted a complete storyline. Chief writer Richard Mythos explains:

“We knew that to drive players forward, Destiny 2’s backstory really had to be something special. And so, the Cloakmongers were born, a race of terrifying insectoid aliens who will stop at nothing to destroy every cloak, cape, mantle and robe in the galaxy.

As a tooled-up intergalactic tailor, it’s your job to ensure they don’t succeed and so, teaming up with other players, you must defend humanity’s right to look like an absolute fool. Fail, and fedoras will be the next to go.”

We pressed Mythos for further details but he just started rocking in his chair, repeatedly mumbling the world “expansive”.

Teething problems

There’s no denying that Bungle pulled out all the stops for Destiny 2‘s launch. Those who purchased the game could choose from a total of seventeen special editions, with extras that ranged from a giant gummy worm through to a life size replica of their in-game character’s shin. Bungle also entered into a deal with GamesBombOnline to have every single word on their site replaced with “Destiny 2“, which rendered their reviews and features entirely unreadable.  But unfortunately for Bungle, the game’s launch wasn’t without problems.

The company had announced that Destiny 2 was going be the biggest game ever; literally, because it was going to be distributed on Blu-Ray discs that were half a centimetre larger than normal game discs. This meant that those who purchased the game found that it wouldn’t fit into their respective console’s disc drive. Bungle have stated that they will soon be reissuing the discs in a smaller, console-friendly size. But in the meantime, they’ve started issuing consumers with Destiny 2 drive upgrade kits which consist of a spatula, a pot of bacon grease and a wooden mallet.

Eight things you didn’t know about Destiny 2

Think you’re a Destiny 2 expert? Think again. Here are eight things you probably didn’t know about the game:

  1. The game features a cameo from Halo‘s protagonist, Marco Chief. His elbow can be seen protruding from an underground stream in the game’s “Guff Mountain” area.
  2. Bungle came up with the game’s name by throwing a dart at the script for 1986’s Transformers: The Movie.
  3. The game’s first expansion will be an Egyptian themed ostrich-riding level.
  4. Destiny 2 was entirely created using Minecraft.
  5. After ten minutes each level starts filling up with vast quantities of krill in order to maintain the game’s pace.
  6. The game’s soundtrack was composed by Michael Barratt, better known as pop singer Shakin’ Stevens.
  7. In order to prevent piracy, the game’s early code was distributed on punch-cards.
  8. Entering the Konami code grants you access to a virtual Destiny-themed “Coin Pusher” machine.

So there you have it. Consider yourself up-to-date with all the Destiny 2 news that you’ll ever need. Normal service will be resumed next week after Destiny 2 is pulled from the market for being awful. Just awful.