Welcome to Totally True Gaming News; all the news that’s in no way, shape or form fit to print.
So it’s a good thing that Totally True Gaming News is published here on GameSpew, where everything is made out of floating etherbits. Otherwise we’d get in real trouble for pulling back the curtain and revealing this week’s entirely true, definitely not utter nonsense, industry stories. In gaming news this week:
Sega criticised for controversial Sonic Mania copy protection scheme
This week saw Sonic Mania hit the PC, its launch having been delayed by two weeks. However, it was quickly discovered that the game uses the controversial OhNoNo copy protection system, which, if it detects a pirated copy of the game, subjects the player to the absolute worst the internet has to offer. In Sonic Mania, the game trawls DeviantArt for the most horrifying Sonic fan art it can find and, at random intervals, flashes it up on screen.
“I think I’ll never really recover,” explained one sobbing would-be-pirate, speaking from Brookhaven Hospital’s Video Game Trauma wing. “I meant to pay for the game, I really did. I just wanted to see what it was like and then… why? Why would Sonic even be pregnant, let alone giving birth to a clutch of spiders with Doctor Robotnik’s face?”
Another illegal downloader had to be restrained after attempting to sandpaper his own eyeballs, and more casualties are being reported on a daily basis. We asked Sega’s Head of Marketing for comment but he merely stared blankly at us, the Sega chant echoing from his gaping, toothless maw.
GameStop defends decision to bundle SNES Classic with a poke in the eye
Games retailer GameStop has come under fire for the way it’s handling orders for Nintendo’s hotly sought-after SNES Classic system. Instead of offering the system on its own, GameStop will only be making the SNES Classic available in a bundle that includes a poke in the eye and, for an additional $20, a punch in the mouth.
GameStop spokesman Chafed Mildly defended the move, claiming it was far more convenient for customers to have the system bundled in this manner.
“Sure, some people may object to us charging them an extra $50 for a poke in the eye, but research has shown that this is exactly what our customers want.”
When we asked if we could see the research in question, Mildly stated that it had been accidentally shredded and used to make a Gabe Newell-shaped pinata.
Bubsy the Bobcat was unavailable for comment.
Dab Simulator: Dab Me To Hell released
A new sim game has been launched this week which brings the experience of dabbing to anyone with a PC, PS4 or XBox One. Dab Simulator: Dab Me To Hell from Bandwagon Software casts you as an advertising executive, tasked with shoehorning the trend into whatever product you’re trying to sell.
Through a series of quick-time events you’ll dab your way through various marketing meetings and PR events as you try to convince your clients that you’re “down with the kids”. Can you convince them that shoehorning dabbing into their advertisements is a sure-fire winner? Or will your career go the way of fidget spinners? Only your horribly stilted virtual dabbing skills can make a difference.
Metal Gear Solid movies to remain faithful to the video games and to Hideo Kojima’s vision
A Metal Gear Solid movie is still in development and, according to director Jordan Voight-Kampff, will remain faithful to the vision of Hideo Kojima, creator of the Metal Gear Solid series. GameSpew can exclusively reveal that the movie will contain the following key elements:
- A sidekick who is unable to control their bladder, complete with repeated humiliating close-ups.
- Massively convoluted, highly improbable plot twists that even M. Night Shyamalan would turn his nose up.
- Several female characters who are scantily clad for the flimsiest of reasons.
- Kurt Russell, as played by someone other than Kurt Russell.
- Endless, tedious monologues.
- Giant robots which somehow have the flexibility and fluidity of a ballet dancer.
- Huge chunks of the plot being relayed through mobile phone conversations.
- Ludicrous, deranged schemes.
We asked Konami’s Head of Media for comment, but they appeared confused as to why Kojima wasn’t still scraping chewing gum off their pachinko machines.
Predictions for next week: Battlefield 1 developers regret not calling the game’s expansion “Tsar Wars”, Nintendo’s Miiverse is shut down, taking with it hundreds of painstakingly crafted offensive avatars, and Dabstep becomes a thing.