9 Pieces of Gaming Merchandise That Really, Really Need To Exist

The Bioshock Infinite Fridge Bin

Bored with your plain white fridge? Do you wish that, like Bioshock Infinite’s Booker DeWitt, you could dig through garbage and shovel it into your undiscerning maw? Then the Bioshock Infinite Fridge Bin is for you! This small but roomy fridge is designed to resemble an ordinary municipal rubbish bin. Thus it allows you to keep your food cool and look like a deranged slob as you thrust your hands in to retrieve a sandwich.

To complete the effect, why not order one of our special “pre-chewed food” packages, containing chocolate bars with specially moulded “tooth marks”, two-thirds empty bottles of whiskey and several half-eaten sandwiches.

Metal Gear: The Mankini

Why should Quiet, Metal Gear Solid 5’s semi-clad assassin have all the fun? Now male Metal Gear Solid fans can experience the joys of breathing through their skin with the official Metal Gear Solid Mankini, as totally disowned by Metal Gear Solid creator Hideo Kojima.

This improbably scanty piece of clothing is equally suited to sneaking or supermarket shopping and comes in a variety of camouflage colours, with a matching eyepatch. Sure, you may be technically indecent while wearing it but let’s face it, it’s still a better idea than Metal Gear Solid: Survive. 

The Monkuma Swiss Army Bear

The Danganronpa games are equally cute and horrific so what better way to represent the series than a teddy bear stuffed with an assortment of sharp weapons. Weapons which may or may not be tipped with a deadly poison depending upon which production run your bear came from.

Not in any way approved by UK consumer show Watchdog, The Monkuma Swiss Army Bear has a number of hidden pressure points just beneath its fur. If any of these pressure points are triggered, multiple blades will erupt from the bear’s surface, skewering anyone who is contact with it. There’s also a 1 in 17 chance that Monokuma’s head will fall off and a small surface to air missile will launch from his neck.

The Monokuma Swiss Army Bear is not a toy and is suitable only for adult collectors, preferably those with unusually thick skin.

The Deus Ex Telescopic Butter Spreader

Ever needed to butter a piece of bread but been unable to find a suitable knife? Thanks to this officially licensed Deus Ex product you’ll never have to face this scenario again. Simply strap the Deus Ex Telescopic Butter Spreader apparatus to your back and with the merest flick of your wrists, two massive butter knives will extend from your arms. You’ll then be free to apply margarine, butter or, God help you, Marmite to your target loaf.

WARNING: You should not attempt to pick your nose or to pick anyone else’s nose while wearing the Deus Ex Telescopic Butter Spreader as this may lead to traumatic internal injury.

So how can you get your hands on these fabulous products? It’s a little difficult at the moment as these items only exist in our fevered imaginations. But, rest assured, they’ll become a reality as soon as we’ve found a manufacturer that accepts gin-sodden Monopoly money.