Totally True Gaming News Round-Up: Twerking Shelob, Canopic Chuckles and More


This week’s biggest revelation has been that Microsoft has etched a tiny picture onto the circuit board of every Xbox One X.

The minuscule image features Master Chief smashing a PlayStation Vita to pieces with his shoe and has been widely interpreted as a jab at Sony’s refusal to play ball with cross-platform play. But never-ending console wars aside, what else has transpired in the world of gaming? Read on as Totally True Gaming News brings you the pick of this week’s polygraph verified, entirely accurate news.


Assassin’s Creed: Origins teases organ-removal mini-game

As the release of Assassin’s Creed: Origins approaches, Ubisoft has released footage of the game’s organ-yanking mini game. Set in Ancient Egypt, Assassin’s Creed: Origins features a mission where you masquerade as a high priest and, in order to maintain your disguise, you must assist in the removal and storage of various internal organs.

As seen in the video, the mini-game is not unlike eighties arcade game “Tapper”. Bodies hurtle towards you and, leaping between three chutes, you must grab them before they plunge to the floor. Then, through a series of quick time vents, you remove the appropriate organs and put them neatly into jars, in the traditional Ancient Egyptian manner. Fail enough times and your ruse will be exposed. Succeed and you will be able to access the mini-game outside of the mission.

Higher difficulty levels require you to distinguish between dead individuals and those who are merely sleeping, the consequences for failing to do so being quite graphic. Ubisoft has also announced that there will, correspondingly, be a twelfth collector’s edition of the game that comes with a historically accurate brain removal hook.

Monolith developer defends Shadow of War’s twerking Shelob

Will Simons, lead developer on Lord of the Rings: Shadow of War has gone on record to address complaints over the way the game handles the character of Shelob. In The Lord of the Rings books and movies she was a giant spider, yet Shadow of War depicts her as a black-clad human woman. Several reviewers have criticised her new appearance and also questioned the wisdom of having her spend a full ten minutes twerking at Talion, the game’s protagonist.

“We knew this decision would be controversial so we spent upwards of five minutes talking it through,” explains Simons, “and in the end we knew that it’s what J.R.R Tolkien would have wanted. Sure, he may not have specifically described Shelob as having any history of being a human woman when he was writing Lord of the Rings. But he also didn’t say that she couldn’t become human, nor did he state that she wouldn’t then announce her presence by gyrating and thrusting her rear end at anyone in the vicinity.”

“Plus, we paid a lot of money to license the SpeedBooty physics engine and there was no way we weren’t going to use it.”

Hideo Kojima was unavailable for comment.

Funko vinyl Cuphead figures now available

Funko have teamed up with StudioMDHR Entertainment, makers of excruciatingly difficult shoot-em-up Cuphead, to release a range of Cuphead and Mughead vinyl figures. Each figure has a hollow cranium which can be filled with your choice of fluid. The figures are available in selected stores, held behind a wall of rotating knives which, in turn, can only be accessed by vaulting across a river full of lava and rusty nails.

Playsation 4’s 5.0 firmware update adds Shame Mode and other new features

The Playstation 4’s latest firmware update, 5.0, hit the console this week, adding a list of fixes and frequently requested features to the console. From the update’s patch notes:

  • “Share Screenshot” function now faster as console no longer attempts to post images to MySpace.
  • Added Shame Mode which will automatically record footage of your gaming failures and upload it Twitter.
  • If a Playstation VR is not detected, the console accesses your credit card details and automatically orders one, along with six PlayStation Vitas. And a slightly soiled PSP Go.
  • Cross-platform play now supported (NOTE: requires Xbox One to be superglued to top of console.)
  • Console now gives two warning beeps before releasing the spiders.
  • Fidget Spinners are no longer cool.
  • Memory Stick PRO Duo Cards are now supported.
  • Inserting Mass Effect: Andromeda now gives “unrecognised disc” message.

And that’s the news. Next week we’ll be reporting exclusively on Shrodinger’s Loot Boxes, the new microtransaction mechanic that’s taking the Triple A industry by storm.