It certainly has been a week.
Just like last week in fact, and the week before it, but those other weeks’ releases didn’t let you travel to Egypt and dispatch Nazis using a demonically possessed hat. The release of Serious Sam 4 aside, what else has been happening in the world of games? Join us as we round up this week’s news in an entirely reliable and totally unfabricated fashion.
Cappy patched out of Super Mario Odyssey after offensive tweets
In a not entirely unsurprising turn of events, Cappy has been patched out of Super Mario Odyssey just one day after the game’s release. Far from being the fun-loving, sentient cap that everyone assumed him to be, it’s been discovered that Cappy is in fact a horrible, horrible racist. His Twitter account, which had gone unnoticed by Nintendo, features a number of offensive tweets which have had the internet in uproar.
As a result, the latest Super Mario Odyssey patch removes Cappy from the game entirely. Nintendo have assured players that they are currently auditioning several pieces of intelligent headwear, one of which will take Cappy’s place. In the meantime, attempting to take possession of any character will result in Mario leaping onto their shoulders and guiding them around by pulling on their ears.
Microsoft kills Kinect, sends hammers to second hand stores
This week saw the announcement that the Kinect, Microsoft’s motion control peripheral, is to be humanely put down. Despite a moderate level of software support, the Kinect never achieved the level of success that Microsoft were hoping for. Microsoft have stopped manufacturing the device and, in order to ensure the destruction of all remaining Kinects, is shipping free hammers to second hand stores worldwide.
“We were originally considering just kicking in people’s doors, grabbing their Kinects and hurling them into an industrial shredder,” explains Will Simons, Microsoft’s Head of Technology Disposal, “but then we had a better and cheaper idea.”
“It turns out that 99.2% of all Kinects ever manufactured are in fact in second hand shops and thrift stores. So instead of our original plan, we’ve sent every second hand shop we can find a hammer so that that they can smash every Kinect they have in their possession. And these are quality hammers, good for destroying up to 12,521 Kinects. Problem solved.”
Microsoft have further advised that any home users still in possession of a Kinect should tap it lightly with a teaspoon which should be more than enough to put it out of its misery.
Rockstar to let fans choose Red Dead Redemption 2′s first expansion
Rockstar Games this week restated their commitment to producing single player content by asking their fans to choose the direction of Red Dead Redemption 2′s first expansion. The western-themed open world sequel has yet to receive a firm release date, but Rockstar have already come up with several ideas for additional content. They’ve set up a poll for fans to choose the title and content of Red Dead Redemption 2′s first expansion pack, the choices being as follows:
- Werewolf Wednesday
- Aliens VS Predator VS Marston
- Kitty Stampede Kaos
- Slightly Angry Maxamillion
- Blazing Saddles: The Next Generation
- Brokeback Mountain Biking
- Goat of a Tale
- A Fistful of Manure
Boaty McBoatface was unavailable for comment.
Microsoft to admits to stealing Xbox One X advertising lines from Star Wars
It’s emerged that far from having a coherent marketing strategy, Microsoft’s approach to selling the XBox One X, is to just steal material from Star Wars. Suspicions were raised when the company’s latest advertisement employed the tagline, “Feel True Power”. Later TV spots used the lines, “Give in to Your Hate of the Playstation 4”, and “I Find Your Lack of the Xbox One X disturbing.”
“It’s true. We had absolutely no idea how to sell the Xbox One X,” confirmed a Microsoft spokesman. “For some reason, just quoting the console’s technical specs didn’t sway anybody. You’d think these people didn’t know what 29 Teraflops meant.”
“So with only two days to go till the advertising deadline, we just threw some old rubbish together. It was either this or steal material from Aliens. We had considered telling people that Cuphead is easier on the Xbox One X but the Advertising Standards Authority threatened to give us a dirty look if we did that.”
Rumours that Phil Spencer had a bad feeling about the campaign have yet to be confirmed or denied.
And that’s the news, sponsored this week by Eastenders VR: Cotton VS Cotton. Next week, we’ll be reporting live from the 2017 Angriest Nintendo Fan contest.