Okay, so it was recently revealed that Mario, or Super Mario as he’s more commonly known, is no longer a plumber.
We don’t know what happened. Maybe he got fed up of people asking him to check out their pipes? Perhaps he jumped on a client’s head after being startled? Or maybe he was caught doing naughty things with a Goomba while on the job? All we know is that he’s left his lifelong career and is now unemployed. And no, being a hero or an adventurer doesn’t count.
The problem is though, for someone like Mario, getting another job is going to be tricky. Why? Well, read on and find out. Mario’s get some serious hurdles to overcome become he’ll be raking in the dough again.
1. He’s not very articulate
A vital skill for any job is to be able to communicate effectively, and that’s something that Mario finds very hard to do.
His vocabulary is limited to pretty much “It’s a me, Mario!” and that’s about it. He tends to communicate in grunts and cheers rather than forming words, and while it hasn’t been much of an issue for him so far, going forward, it won’t put him in good stead with potential employers. Take our advice, Mario: go to night school and brush up on your vocabulary. Not only will you be able to impress future employers with all your stories of heroism, you’ll also be able to chat with fellow workers about how boring The Walking Dead has become while having a sneaky break. Bonus!
2. He’s quite the chauvinist
We all know Mario means well, but he’s quite the chauvinist really.
He’s always off trying to save Princess Peach – the stereotypical Damsel in Distress – but has he ever considered that perhaps she doesn’t need his help? This is the 21st century after all; ladies are doing it for themselves right now. To show that he’s not stuck in the past, Mario should let Princess Peach step into the limelight for a change. I mean, Luigi’s had a couple of his own games now, so surely it’s time for Princess Peach to star in her own adventure? Do it Mario, let Princess Peach be the hero for once, and maybe potential employers will look at you in a new light.
3. He has violent tendencies
Resolving conflict without violence in the workplace is something that employers tend to appreciate, but unfortunately Mario is inclined to solve most of his squabbles by jumping on heads.
He may get away with jumping on Bowser’s head time and time again, but trust me, the first time he jumps on Alan from I.T.’s head for telling him to turn his computer off and on again the police will be called and he’ll be frog-marched off the premises. I know that from experience. Mario needs to learn that problems can’t always be solved with his feet – well, unless he becomes a kickboxer or a professional wrestler known as Kickman or something. Now there’s a thought…
4. He’s got a very short attention span
Like most videogame characters it would seem, Mario has a very short attention span. Either that, or he’s terribly apathetic.
When he should be pushing on as fast as he can to save his friends and tackle whichever task is at hand, you’ll more than likely find him slacking off, collecting moons or stars or anything else that takes his fancy. In the workplace this kind of behaviour is very much looked down upon. George from accounting isn’t going to accept trying to find collectables in the work’s toilets as a valid excuse for Mario not having all of his invoices in order. Focus, Mario. Focus.
5. He’s getting old
It’s a sad fact that life isn’t fair.
Mario may still be rather sprightly – jumping and running around like his dungarees are on fire – but he’s getting rather old now, and that’s surely going to limit his career options. Assuming he was in his late teens or early twenties when he first took up plumbing, he’s in his fifties now, which means there’s not much scope for him to pick up new skills. Plus, many employers are just terribly ageist. The bastards. Mind you, he still looks young for his age; perhaps he could get away with just lying?
6. He has hygiene problems
Did you know, that until recently, Mario only owned one outfit? He rented the odd item of apparel from time to time for special occasions, but he insisted on wearing the same blue dungaree and red shirt combo as much as possible. And as a result, he often stinks.
There’s a period of time shortly after his outfit has been dry cleaned that a lucky lady would be happy to take him home and present him to their parents, but after a week or so of non-stop wear he smells like a dog caught in a rainstorm. I imagine Mario would have the common sense to have his clothes cleaned for an interview, but eventually he’d surely get fired for stinking out the workplace. Sort yourself out Mario.
7. His moustache is just too much
Facial hair is in these days, sure, but Mario’s moustache, well… it makes him look like a 70’s porn star.
It would be terribly shallow for a potential employer to deny Mario of a job because of the brush on his top lip, but it’s bound to happen. I mean, the thing looks like Burt Reynolds on steroids. Mario doesn’t need to get rid of his moustache entirely, just thinning it down a little would probably do the trick, but until he does so he’s likely only going to get jobs such as being a Freddy Mercury tribute act. Although that would be kinda neat. Imagine Mario belting out Bohemian Rhapsody. It would be epic!
So there you have it. Seven reasons why Mario has zero chance of landing another job. Hopefully he’s saved up a nest egg over the years and doesn’t need one. In such case, enjoy your retirement Mario!