Truly, this is a week that will go down in gaming history. Again.
This week, governments across the world finally decided, after listening to the collective protests of the gaming public, that loot boxes are A Bad Thing (TM) (or least they are until the games industry starts throwing campaign funds about). But what else has been happening in the eggnog addled world of games? Read on as Totally True Gaming News, the news source you can trust as far as you can throw Electronic Arts’ bank balance, fills you in on this week’s happenings.
Bungie caught lying about Destiny 2
While the controversy may not quite be on the scale of EA’s follies, Bungie were this week caught lying about Destiny 2. Despite their claims to the contrary, the company has admitted that their first-person online multiplayer shooter is a terrible, terrible game.
“We honestly couldn’t believe we were getting away with it,” said lead developer Will Simons. “We were sure people would cotton on to just how awful it was. We made Destiny as a joke but when it did so well, we got carried away and told people that Destiny 2 was going to be even better. There was an office competition to create the most mind-numbingly awful plotlines and in-game items; we honestly couldn’t stop, it was like an addiction. Every time we added something new to the game we were sure we’d be rumbled. We needed a name for our in-game loot crates and so we just kicked a Scrabble set down the stairs, which is how they ended up being called ‘Bright Engrams.’ And still, no-one figured out that we didn’t have a clue what we were doing. We’re so very, very sorry.”
The truth only came to light when a former Bungie developer posted portions of Destiny 2′s design document online. Bungie have since issued all Destiny 2 players with a free copy of Wolfenstein: The New Colossus, advising that they do something more enjoyable like dispatching virtual Nazis.
Luke Skywalker announces shock career change
Star Wars’ Luke Skywalker this week announced that he will no longer be following the path of the Jedi and will instead be taking on the role of a full time exterminator. “Star Wars: Battlefront II was a real eye-opener for me,” said Skywalker at a recent press conference. “Sure, it’s great being able to mind-wipe people, blow up space stations and save the galaxy but I’ve realised that what really makes me happy is slaughtering oversized insects. Striking a blow against the evil Galactic Empire was kind of fun at the time but I’m really at home flailing awkwardly as I incinerate small creatures with my lightsaber.”
Skywalker went on to explain that he was setting up his own intergalactic extermination service, Skywalker Exterminators, and that for a modest fee he will visit any planet in the known galaxy, incinerating, crushing and generally disposing of any unwanted pests. “By the way,” he added as he handed out his business cards, “you might want to steer clear of Endor for the next few days. The smell of burnt fur can be really overpowering.”
Wendy Oldbag definitely, really, coming to Street Fighter 5
After several false starts, Totally True Gaming News can reveal that Ace Attorney’s Wendy Oldbag is almost certainly going to be added to Street Fighter V. While we’re used to dealing in cold, hard facts, it’s hardly a stretch to assume that Capcom’s latest job advertisement signals the character’s impending addition to the fighting game’s roster. The job posting states that Capcom are looking for a “2D character artist to model and animate famous characters” and since there’s no character more famous than Wendy Oldbag (in her own words) she’ll definitely be hitting the beat-em-up, and most of the other fighters, in early 2018. Have we ever been wrong? Larry Butz was definitely available for comment but we paid him to go away.
3D Realms to publish Mystic Towers remake
Sometimes games developer 3D Realms has this week stated that they will be creating a high-definition remaster of Mystic Towers, an isometric platform game that they originally published in 1994. The game saw the aged, gap-toothed, and wholly unhygenic Baron Baldric negotiating his way through multiple monster-filled levels, assisted only by a magic staff and a lack of pants.
“We were looking for a really obscure character to resurrect,” explained lead developer George Basilbrush, “but since Bubsy the Bobcat had already been taken, we settled on Baron Baldric. We needed to find a character that no-one cared about so we wouldn’t get nearly as many death threats if we messed up, but development’s actually going really well so far. We’re particularly proud of the Xbox One X enhancements we’ve added to the beta; there’s no other game that lets you scratch your character’s backside in full 4K. And we’re not letting Gearbox anywhere near it, either.” The game does not currently have a release date but it’s universally accepted that it can’t be worse than Duke Nukem Forever. Commander Keen was unavailable for comment.
And that’s all the news. Next week we have an interview with the gamer who found E.T.’s decomposing corpse in a New Mexico desert.