Welcome to Totally True Gaming News, all the news that we definitely didn’t make up by throwing a Scrabble set at a wall.
This week we’re sponsored by Boot Loxes, your number one source for products that emulate the effect gambling has on the brain but which luckily aren’t subject to gambling regulations. In gaming news this week:
Games company does thing then stops doing thing
This week, a games company did a thing that made a lot of people angry. The company has temporarily decided not do the thing until further notice or until people have forgotten about it.
“We apologise unreservedly for the thing that we did,” said a company spokesperson, pausing to place a frog in a pan of tepid water. “Clearly, we vastly overestimated just what we could get away with and will therefore stop doing the thing for now. As soon as we’ve figured out just how much we can bilk our customers for without them getting too angry about it, we’ll continue doing the thing.”
P.T. Barnum was unavailable for comment.
Skyrim on the Switch adds Amiibo support
The Nintendo Switch release of The Elder Scrolls:Skyrim, which hit the console this week, features full Amiibo support. Tapping one of Nintendo’s ludicrously popular plastic figurines on your Joy-con controller may enable a special game-enhancing effect, but if you’re unsure whether it’s worth purchasing an Amiibo just on the off-chance it may do something, fear not. We’ve painstakingly tested every single one to bring you this, the definitive list of Skyrim’s Amiibo effects.
- Mario (Wedding Outfit): No matter who you propose to, you end up married to Bowser.
- Sonic the Hedgehog Amiibo: Makes the game terrible. Just terrible.
- Peach (Wedding Outfit): All dragons wear wedding dresses.
- Tom Nook: Steal from any shop and the shopkeeper will hunt you down and kill you.
- Toad: When you eat a mushroom it screams in agony.
- Mega Man: Enemies respawn every time you turn around.
- Breath of the Wild Link: Every in-game character, including yours, becomes a girl.
- Tails: Lydia becomes marginally more incompetent.
Remedy’s Entertainment’s big reveal
After years and years of waiting and delays, it’s finally here…
— Remedy Entertainment (@remedygames) November 18, 2017
Remedy Entertainment have finally elaborated upon their teasing tweet, revealing that the company has finally got their hands on a NES Classic.
“It’s brilliant,” said Remedy’s Sam Lake, extolling the virtues of the system. “We’re currently at 0% productivity in the Remedy offices, but we’re having a brilliant time. We did have to make certain… concessions to Nintendo to get our hands on one, but it was totally, totally worth it.”
In totally unrelated news, Remedy have also confirmed that Alan Wake 2, 3 and 4 are in development, all of which will be exclusive to the Nintendo Switch.
Sea of Thieves beta players discover corpse of Conker the Squirrel
Rare’s Sea of Thieves launched its open beta this week and it’s taken almost no time at all for players to discover the waterlogged and partially decomposed body of Rare’s former mascot, Conker the Squirrel, at the bottom of the ocean. The multiplayer pirate game not only lets players engage each other in ship-to-ship combat but they also have the freedom to leap into the ocean and explore, at the risk of being devoured by a shark.
“It was definitely Conker,” explained Sea of Thieves fan Will Simons, one of many players to discover the sub-aquatic Easter egg. “Sure it was missing an eyeball, but it was instantly recognisable to anyone who’s played Conker’s Bad Fur Day. I guess this means no more Conker games.”
We asked Rare for comment and received a crudely drawn picture of a woodland animal being keelhauled.