News. It happens to the best of us.

But when it happens to games, Totally True Game News is here to bring you all the latest news, news that’s so absolutely on the mark and entirely non-fabricated that we felt compelled to draw small blue ticks on our foreheads.

Electronic Arts purchases Titanfall developer

This week’s top story has been the release of Bubsy: The Woolies Strike Back. But the week’s second biggest story has been EA’s decision to purchase Respawn Entertainment, the company behind Titanfall and Titanfall 2. We spoke to EA’s Executive in Charge of Slash and Burn, Will Simons, to get his take on the situation.

“Buying Respawn is a huge deal for all of us,” explained Simons. “Things have been quiet since we shut down Visceral games and we’ve mostly been twiddling our thumbs. But now that EA owns Respawn, things have gotten so crazy around here.”

“There have been so many ideas buzzing around the office as to just how we can run Respawn into the ground, removing every trace of what made the studio unique. We’re even running an office pool as to how can come up with the best studio-annihilating concept. So far we’re thinking ‘Titanfall 3 without Titans’ though we’ve also batted around the notion of making players pay real money for every bullet they fire. It really is an exciting time for anyone in the dream-crushing business.”

Isaac Clarke was unavailable for comment.

Oculus unveils latest Oculus Rift killer app

In response to less than stellar Oculus Rift sales, Oculus VR have announced that they are putting out a new “killer app” or rather, collection of killer apps, that they hope will drum up sales. Dubbed the “Bootleg iOS Box”, this collection will bring the absolutely worst of Apple’s iOS apps to VR.

“It was pretty clear we needed to do something special to rescue our sales,” explained Oculus VR founder Llama Puckey. “We drew a total blank and then someone had the bright idea of looking on the Apple digital store. We quickly discovered that the most popular apps are horrible, horrible games that have you doing unpleasant things to various famous characters, without permission from the property owners.”

“And so, the Bootleg iOS Box was born. This collection will let you experience the stupidest software out there. Don your Rift and you too can deliver Elsa from Frozen’s baby, make Edward from Twilight a pretty, pretty princess and even pull out Spider-man’s teeth with a pair of pliers.”

The Bootleg iOS Box will retail at $19.99 and will be available from all distributors that haven’t yet received a cease-and-desist from Disney.

Makers of “Pokemon Go To Hell” showcase new “Potter No More” device

After Niantic announced they would be creating a Pokemon Go style Harry Potter game, Lemon Security have, at a recent press event, unveiled their new device designed to keep Harry Potter fans off your lawn. The company previously quadrupled their income after developing and manufacturing “Pokemon Go To Hell”, a device that would erase the Pokedex of any players who got close to a particular property.

Their new product,”Potter No More”, will prevent players of Harry Potter Go (or whatever name the app is eventually given) encroaching onto private land. Unlike Pokemon Go To Hell, Potter No More does not interfere with the app itself. Instead, it broadcasts an audible stream of Harry Potter spoilers. If this is not enough to deter a Potter-loving intruder, if, for example, they have already read the books, the device will trawl Deviantart for the very worst Harry Potter fan-art. It will broadcast a range of disturbing images, starting with Pregnant Ron Weasley pictures, growing progressively more horrifying until the intruder leaves.

Lemon Security’s spokesman concluded the press event by throwing a signed first edition of Harry Potter and the Philospher’s Stone into an industrial shredder.

Current-gen version of LA Noire has been tweaked

Rockstar has this week revealed that the Switch, PS4 and XBox One version of detective game LA Noire will receive multiple tweaks intended to improve gameplay. The tweaks include:

  • Police no longer turn a blind eye to Cole’s homicidal rampages. His boss will now raise an eyebrow if you’ve mown down over 100 civilians, before allowing you to proceed with your detective work unhindered.
  • Cole can eat items he finds in bins.
  • The game now has moob physics.
  • “Bad Cop” response now only has a 1 in 20 chance of Cole attacking the suspect’s face with his unnaturally sharp teeth.
  • Replaced every in-game texture with the words “In Memory of Peter Falk.”
  • Pedestrians now reflect the fact that people are terrible. Just terrible.
  • Lowered required reaction time on final dance-off QTE sequence.
  • Fixed typo so city is no longer called “Les’s Angles”.

And that’s all the news. Next week, we’ll be blogging live from behind Peter Molyneux’s bins.