Totally True Gaming News Round Up: Xbox One X Launch Special

Xbox One X Header

We’ve gone Xbox One  X crazy at GameSpew. Literally.

It’s been mere days since one of our team was discovered smashing up an Xbox One X and sprinkling the fragments onto their cornflakes, such was their love for Microsoft’s upgraded console. There’s certainly no denying that the Xbox One X is a rather impressive piece of kit but there’s so much more to this gaming device. So for this week’s Totally True Gaming News, we’ve ferreted out some lesser known yet absolutely accurate facts about the Xbox One X.

Not just a pretty face – the Xbox One X’s amazing new features:

While the Xbox One X undoubtedly makes games look a great deal prettier, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. The Xbox One X sports several new features that aren’t available on the vanilla Xbox One. If these aren’t reason enough to make you rush and buy one then there’s something really, seriously wrong with you, and we don’t want to be friends anymore.

Improved connectivity: The Xbox One X is always online. Always. Even if you unplug it, it will still access Xbox Live through as yet unknown means. If any of your pets are microchipped, the Xbox One X will assume direct control of their nervous systems, making them mew, bark or chitter plaintively until you turn the console back on.

Extended storage compatibility: Going beyond mere USB drives, the Xbox One X supports a multitude of storage media. Games can be installed to Compact Flash, cassette tape, floppy disk and even punch card. Do you have a bunch of useless VHS tapes lying around? Simply erase that footage of your grandparents’ wedding and install Cuphead instead (2,125,227 additional VHS tapes required).

Early, Early Access: Owning an Xbox One X automatically grants you admittance to Microsoft’s Early, Early Access programme. This revolutionary system allows you to preview games that exist only as the merest spark within their creator’s minds. Purchase an Early, Early Access title and searing mental image of the game will be beamed directly into your brain. WARNING: Microsoft have stated that they cannot be held responsible for any traumatic brain injury that may occur due to use of the Early, Early Access system.

Supports all “toys-to-life” figures: Games manufacturers may have lost interest in the “toys-to-life” market but thanks to the Xbox One X your massive collection of Skylanders figures need not to go to waste. Compatible with Disney Infinity Figures, Nintendo’s Amiibos and the entire Skylanders range, the Xbox One will let you import any toys-to-life figure into your game. Want to play Gears of Wars 4 as Princess Peach, or incinerate Nazis as Spyro the Dragon? The world of mass-produced, overpriced toys is your oyster!

How Microsoft levelled the playing field with the PS4 Pro:

One frequently voiced concern, prior to the console’s release, that games companies wouldn’t make use of the Xbox One X’s full potential for fear of offending Sony. After all, if games are demonstrably superior on the Xbox One X, why buy a PS4 Pro? Thankfully, this issue has been resolved after lengthy discussions between Microsoft and Sony. As a result, there are no restrictions placed on how beautiful the Xbox One X version of a cross-platform title may look. However, the trade-off is that more visually impressive Xbox One X titles must be crippled in some other way.

In the Xbox One X version of Assassin’s Creed Origins, for example, all background NPC dialogue has been replaced with a series of unsettling, demonic groans. Play Grand Theft Auto 5 on the Xbox One X and you’ll quickly notice that all blood has been removed from the game, replaced by sweat. And the Xbox One X version of Call of Duty: World War 2 features a shirtless Larry “Major Nelson” Hryb who periodically appears on screen, shrieking and throwing half-eaten pastries at the camera.

Blinx the Time Sweeper was unavailable for comment.

Ten things you didn’t know about the Xbox One X

Finally, here are ten facts about Microsoft’s new console that you need to know before your lack of of understanding shames you into purchasing an Atari Lynx.

  • Etched into each Xbox One X circuit board is a tiny picture of Conker the Squirrel being shoved in a sack and thrown into a canal.
  • While it technically supports the Kinect, attempting to plug one into the console will result in the words “Ask Me About My Extensive Zune Collection” being added to your GamerTag.
  •  The Xbox One W was scrapped because it emitted the unmistakable smell of burnt hair whenever a player earned an achievement.
  • Strike the Xbox One X down and it will become more powerful than you can possible imagine.
  • The console was used to generate the special effects for eighties TV show “Manimal.”
  • Each Xbox One X component has been personally licked by Xbox Vice President Phil Spencer.
  • Every single rumour about the Xbox One X was true. Yes, including that one.
  • Microsoft dropped the name “Scorpio” after astrologer Russell Grant threatened to sue.
  • Not only is it exceptionally quiet, early production models of the console actually sucked the noise out of the room. This feature was removed when one tester collapsed and his colleagues had to smash their console before they were able to call for help.
  • The Xbox One X is the most advanced console ever released or it will be until the Xbox One X Slim is announced a week next Thursday.

And that’s all you need to know about the Xbox One. Now you’re fully informed you can spend the next six weeks dithering between purchasing it or a Nintendo Switch. Normal service will be resumed next week when we’ll reporting on Mini Boglins: The VR Experience.