The clear winner at 2017’s Game Awards was, without a doubt, Barnsley the Dog.
In a surprise move, presenter Geoff Keighley announced that this year, all of the awards had been won by his new dog Barnsley who was, “Awesome. Just the cutest thing.” This lead to protests from the assembled masses, which quickly turned to awws when Barnsley was brought on stage, everyone agreeing that he deserved every single award for being such a good boy.
With the usual congratulatory back patting out of the way, Keighley was able to move onto the serious business of showcasing this year’s upcoming releases. Totally True Gaming News was there (watching it on YouTube while getting increasingly drunk on mulled wine) so we can present to you our entirely honest and utterly undistorted summary of the show:
Death Stranding was finally revealed in its entirety. Rather than being a game, it is in fact an avant-garde theatre piece which having been performed at the Game Awards, will never be seen again. Highlights of the piece included Norman Reedus regurgitating a Baby-Wets-A-Lot doll while Mads Mikkelsen set fire to a pachinko machine.
Electronic Arts sent their top marketing executives to apologise for the Star Wars: Battlefront 2 loot box debacle; Battlefront 2 actress Janina Gavankar was on hand to poke the exec with a sharp stick whenever he faltered. For £2.99, an expanded version of the apology can be downloaded from EA’s website.
Fortnite has a new 50:50 game mode. 50:50 is essentially the same as the main Battle Royale mode except that every fifty seconds the words “DEFINITELY NOTHING LIKE PLAYER UNKNOWN’S BATTLEGROUNDS” flash onto the screen.
Bethesda went out of their way to assure people that single-player wasn’t dead. To this end, they created a horrifying homunculus from disused body parts and copies of Fallout: New Vegas. However, it didn’t seem that interested in promoting single player game, instead begging from an end to its own unholy existence.
From Software teased Shadows Die Twice, their first foray into licensed music games. The upcoming hack-em-up will feature Hank Marvin and fellow members of The Shadows venturing into the netherworld in order to retrieve their stolen instruments. Bloodborne 2 was also unexpectedly released onto the PlayStation 4 and Xbox One although on closer examination it turned out to be Frog Fractions 3.
In the Valley of Gods shocked attendees by showing the game’s two characters apparently coming into physical contact. This represented a real departure from the norm for the title’s creators whose previous game, Firewatch, kept you largely isolated. However, our inside source told us that the trailer intentionally misleading and that the main character is in fact carrying around her girlfriend’s severed arm.
PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds much-anticipated dessert map was given its first formal, if brief, showing. A short twenty-second trailer showed several players fighting over a Viennetta while another blew up a house with a profiterole.
Finally, the show concluded with another performance piece from David Cage, writer of the upcoming Detroit: Become Human, who ran around stage in a leotard spelling out the letters S U B T L E T Y with his body.
And that’s this week’s Gaming Award news. Join us next week for an exclusive first look at Dance Dance Resident Evil.