Now 2017 is over, it’s time to pretend that, outside of the games industry, nothing of note happened.
Certainly, nothing happened that pushed us one step closer to the apocalypse. And what better way to do this than by perusing Totally True Gaming News’s Entirely Accurate 2018 Predictions? Read on and behold our eerie, port-fuelled precognitive powers:
Nintendo commences “Operation Super Troll Brothers Melee”. Nintendo of America’s president, Reggie Fils-Aimé, kicks off the initiative by announcing that they’ll soon be releasing “Super Smash Brothers Mel…ons”, going on to promote Nintendo’s new range of fruits and vegetables. Fils-Aimé continues to issue a number of similarly deceitful briefings, right up until the end of March. The actual Nintendo Switch version of Super Smash Brothers is released on April 1st, but no-one notices.
Star Citizen, the massively multiplayer space-trading game which has been in development for seven years, runs into trouble again. Creator Chris Roberts admits that he can’t confirm that the game will be released “before our Sun turns into a cold, hard, lump of rock.” Consumer confidence further drops when one of his employees is caught scrawling the game’s name on second hand copies of Derek Smart’s Battlecruiser 3000AD.
Capcom announces that Street Fighter 30th Anniversary, due out in May, will also be available in a Special Turbo Collector’s Edition. To replicate the Street Fighter II arcade experience, the Special Turbo Collector’s Edition will come with a lifesize electronic mannequin. The mannequin will, in a threatening and overbearing manner, offer unsolicited game advice and explain why you’re playing the game all wrong.
Nintendo teams up with NECA Toys to release a range of beautifully detailed, highly articulated The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild figures. The figures are recalled two weeks later when it’s discovered that they’re crafted from raw lard and fall apart after light use.
Multiple legislative bodies agree that loot boxes are in fact gambling and should be taxed and also banned from games that are likely to be played by children. In response, AAA games companies abandon all pretense of respectability and start going after gamers directly, demanding money with menaces. Pokemon Go players are particularly vulnerable, one stating that he was approached by a besuited, pencil-moustached man who urged him to take out “insurance” on his Espeon, saying “it’d be an awful shame if something bad happened to her. I mean, these Pokémon, they just have this nasty habit of bursting into flames.”
Ninja Theory releases Cupblade: Senua vs Satan, a cel-shaded sequel to their 2017 hit, Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice. “If this doesn’t get Game of the Year across the board, I’ll eat my socks,” tweets Ninja Theory spokesman Will Simons.
Red Dead Redemption 2’s release leads to a spike in the number of people asking for miniature horses as pets. The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals spearheads a campaign an in effort to stem the demand for tiny, tiny equines. The campaign has some impact but it’s reported that foals are still being flushed down the toilet by owners who are unable or unwilling to care for them. This in turn results in a hazardous outbreak of Giant Sewer Horses; traffic on London’s Oxford Street grinds to a halt when a colossal mare gets her head jammed in a manhole.
It’s widely reported that Valve are going to be finally policing Steam’s digital storefront, putting an end to the many low-quality, low-effort titles that are regularly released onto the service. However, it emerges that the “news” is in fact a press-release for Steam Store Moderation Simulator, an upcoming title from Asset Flip Interactive.
Sega releases Yakuza 7 which, in a departure from the series’ usual format, just has protagonist Kazuma Kiryu wandering round an arcade, filled with fully playable versions of every single arcade machine Sega has ever made. The game goes on to receive universal acclaim, including a rare “11/10 Space Harriers” rating from Japanese magazine Famitsu. In the same month, Sega tease the release of Yakuza -1: Yakuza Babies, which will see Kazuma and friends saving their kindergarten from an evil land developer.
Scott Cawthon, creator of the Five Nights at Freddy’s series, explains that the movie that was to be based on the franchise has been cancelled. He goes on to state that, to fill the gap in their release schedule, Warner Brothers will instead be releasing a movie about Cawthon’s life. This announcement is treated with some suspicion, particularly when it emerges that the “autobiographical movie” has an 18 rating and will be released on October 31st. Further requests for comment go unanswered, though Cawthon subsequently changes his website’s background to a picture that shows him snickering into his hand.
Nintendo announces that, starting on November 27th, this will be The Year of Waluigi.
With the year coming to an end, December heralds the publishing industry’s first “Game of the Year List of the Year” awards. Entrants are chosen from various online and offline gaming publications, with awards presented as follows:
- Best Overall Game of the Year List
- Best Unintentionally Inflammatory Game of the Year List
- Best Intentionally Inflammatory Game of the Year List
- Most Obviously Cranked Out At The Last Minute Game of the Year List
Finally, with two days to go to Christmas, virtual reality finally receives its killer app. Doggo VR, made available across all VR formats, allows users to fill their rooms with virtual canines of all breeds, types and ages and is embraced by dog lovers across the world. So much so that headset manufacturers are unable to keep up with demand, leading to some heated holiday confrontations. Moggo VR is released two weeks later, and Western civilisation crumbles.
And that’s 2018’s unerringly accurate predictions. If anyone of them prove to be “wrong”, it’s because you’ve slipped sideways into an alternate reality and you’ve only got yourself to blame.