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Call of Duty Black Ops 3 1

If Video Games Teach Us How to Use Guns, Here Are 9 Other Things We Ought to Be Good At

According to some, video games are virtual training grounds for shooters.

There are honestly people out there that believe playing games like Call of Duty or Battlefield can teach you how to shoot a gun. Ridiculous, huh? And to prove just how ridiculous is it, using their logic, here are 9 other things we ought to be great at thanks to playing video games until the wee hours of the morning. Have fun!

Hacking

Deus Ex Hacking

In video games, we seemingly hack everything. Doors, computers, robots; nothing is safe from a gamer’s insane hacking ability, which is usually facilitated by some mundane mini-game. Are those hacking skills transferred into real-life, however? As if. I’ve done so much hacking in virtual worlds that if it was indeed a training aid I’d have probably been headhunted by Interpol by now. Instead, the only hacking I’ll be doing anytime soon is guessing someone’s password so I can post something silly on their Twitter feed.

Lock Picking

Fallout 4 lock picking

It seems like nearly every game features lock picking these days. Some games, like Kingdom Come: Deliverance feature lock picking systems that are truly strenuous, while the likes of The Raven Remastered presents lock picking as more of a puzzle. In any case, in gaming terms I’m a master lock picker now, able to bust into anything if you give me a handful of lock picks and thirty seconds or so of time. In the real world, however, I wouldn’t even know where to start.

Parkour

I’ve pretty much exhaustively played every Assassin’s Creed game, jumping, running and climbing about like a lunatic. There must be something wrong though, as the bleeding effect hasn’t turned me into someone capable of doing parkour yet. It’s a shame, as I’d love to be more athletic and move around the nearest town centre pulling off crazy stunts to amuse onlookers, but I think if I seriously tried to jump between two rooftops I’d just plummet to my death.

Driving

Burnout Paradise Remastered 2

I can drive and own my own car. Yay! But honestly, I can’t say that the learning process was aided in any way by my love of racing games. Quite the opposite, in fact. Racing games make you lazy; most of the time you race using automatic gears, there’s no clutch to worry about, and mirror, signal, manoeuvre? Forget that. They also make you reckless. In my own car I pay close attention to what’s happening around me to avoid incidents and respect other road users; in a video game car, however, I pay close attention to what’s happening around me so I can smash the smithereens out of anything that moves.

Healing Ourselves

I don’t know about you, but when I fall ill or get injured, it absolutely sucks. I recently had a bad case of the flu which had me bedridden for nearly a week, and I would have given an arm and a leg for some sort of magical cure that could have instantly had me on my feet again. In video games that’s pretty much how it works too. In Castlevania, you can recover from a nasty wound by eating a piece of meat found on the floor. And in most role-playing games, ailments can be instantly cured by downing a potion. Some games even let you create your own potions using random plants and flowers you’ve picked yourself, something that I really wouldn’t trust myself do in real life.

Capturing and Taming Animals

Everyone loves Pokemon, a game in which you catch monsters and nurture them to become invaluable companions. There are plenty of other games that allow you to make friends with fierce creatures and use them to your advantage too, like Far Cry Primal. No matter how well turned-out my Charizard is or how many vicious animals I’ve turned to my side, however, if I came face-to-face with a wild lion I’d just shit myself. It’s all fun and games when you have a save feature, but when one wrong move means losing an arm, leg or even your life, it’s a different matter.

Building Things

Minecraft 3

Games always have us building things. From vehicles to houses to entire cities, a typical gamer will have probably built more things in their lifetime than an actual builder. For some reason though, I wouldn’t want to find myself moving into a house that Graham, the avid Minecraft player from around the corner has built. I mean, I don’t think he knows anything about insulation or bricks and mortar. Anything he builds in the real world is likely to be a death trap.

Being a Leader

In the real world I’m not much of a leader. I like decisions to be made for me, and looking after imbeciles is a chore I don’t tolerate. In the world of video games, however, being an efficient leader is a must. Video games demand us to make decisions quickly, and then act upon them using whatever resources we have at hand, including subordinates. I’m good at that, until you put me in front of an RTS game anyway. The fact of the matter is, in video games, subordinates rarely don’t do what they’re told, and never do they give you any lip.

Hadouken!

Ultra Street Fighter IV PS4

After years and years of playing Street Fighter games, performing a hadouken is like second nature to me. I can flawlessly pull them off one after the other, on land or in the air, but try as I might in the real world, nothing happens. I get the hand motions just right and correctly pronounce the word, but no spiritual energy surges forth. It’s crushingly disappointing. Maybe I should just start playing as Zangief and copy his moves instead? They seem much more achievable.

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