Hey, We’re Gaming Analysts Now, Here Are Our 2019 Predictions

Pirate Game

It seems like you don’t really have to know much about the video game industry to call yourself an analyst of it. So we’ve decided that we’re video game industry analysts now, too.

It’s a pretty easy gig, truth be told. All we do is make up the most ridiculous bullshit, spread it far and wide, and then watch as fanboys lap it up. Though of course, there are always those who see right through it. Damn them!

Anyway, you don’t need to work out if any of the predictions below have any hint of truth in them, they’re all complete and utter twaddle. Just like the idea that the PS5 is going to run games at 240 FPS, or that The Elder Scrolls VI is going to release this year. Though perhaps in an alternate universe they might come true. One in which video game industry analysts are actually worth listening to.

PSV-Arrrrr!

With the continued success of Sea of Thieves on Xbox One, Sony is seeking to make its own waves with the PSV-Arrrrr! in 2019. It’s a special edition PSVR headset adorned with an eye patch, and it comes bundled with PlayStation Pirates, Sony’s latest open world epic. You also get a plastic parrot to clip to your shoulder while you play. There’s no confirmation that Ubisoft’s Skull and Bones is compatible with the headset yet, but there are rumours…

Xbox One XXX

In a surprise move, Microsoft is actually going to release its next-gen console in 2019. It’s going to be called the Xbox One XXX. Why? Because its visuals are so good, and the gameplay it provides is so smooth, that anyone who sits down to play on one instantly has an orgasm. Microsoft was hesitant to release such a console at first, but then it thought “Fuck it, no console launch can be as bad as the original Xbox One’s”.

AR Souls

2019 will be magical for Dark Souls fans, with FromSoftware announcing a spiritual sequel: AR Souls. AR Souls brings the series to life. Now the real world is Lordran, and the battles are more tense than ever. Drunken football hooligans become giant ogres before your eyes, terraced houses become dilapidated ruins, and if you die, you have to go back home to start your adventure again. AR Souls, it’s coming, and FromSoftware won’t be held accountable for the crimes you commit while playing.

Street Fighter VI, Now Featuring Your Street

Street Fighter V didn’t really resonate with the casual audience. Working with Google, Capcom aims to rectify that. Imagine Street Fighter but with the fights taking place on actual streets – that’s what Capcom is going for with Street Fighter VI. Using Google Maps, you’ll be able to fight on any street you’ve grown fond of. Simply type in the street name and voila!, you can duke it out on it. Who doesn’t want to see Ryu chucking out Hadoukens right in front of their front door?

The MuskStation

After co-founding PayPal, making electric cars popular and making it possible for people to go into space, Elon Musk enters the console arena with the MuskStation. It plays games at 4K 240 FPS, and when you lose, it automatically griefs your competitors with a range of offensive slurs. Also, it plays games for you if you can’t be arsed to play them yourself.

Cliff Bleszinski to Return to Game Development

He says he’s done with video games, but he’s only kidding. In 2019, Cliff Bleszinski is set to return to the world of video games with Conflict Unicorn: Neon Turf, a game in which you ride muscular unicorns across a range of neon coloured environments and defeat your enemies with… compliments!?! Yeah, you heard it here first.