My eyes. My eyes.
“Horrendous” isn’t even the right word for what I’ve just witnessed in those two minutes and forty six seconds of Sonic The Hedgehog trailer hellfire. It’s… grotesque. Awful. A travesty. It’s so many things, and none of them are good.
This isn’t an April Fool’s joke, kids. It isn’t some weird mock-up from a YouTuber in their bedroom. This is a real film, being made by real people by a real film company. Let that sink in while you watch the trailer above, perhaps the most terrifying 166 seconds of video you’ll ever see.
I don’t even know where to begin. Now, I quite like James Marsden. He’s done some decent stuff, and he’s not a bad actor. But THIS is inexcusable. I also like Jim Carrey, but his casting as Dr. Robotnik makes no sense whatsoever. He’s a funny guy, but that whole riff in the trailer isn’t funny. At all. Not one bit.
And Gangster’s Paradise playing in the background? Look, Sonic is great. But of all the songs you could have gone for… Gangster’s Paradise was the best one to sum up the blue hedgehog?
And onto Sonic himself. He’s… terrifying. Absolutely the stuff of nightmares. His face is forever etched in my mind now, locked in a place where only the darkest, most disturbing thoughts go. I’m not sure I’ll ever be the same again.
Yes, Sonic The Hedgehog looks like an absolute mistake. It’s going to be absolutely terrible, and may well go down in history as being one of the worst video game films ever made. Or worst films, full stop. But still. A sad, psychotic part of me wants to see this, just to see how terrible the whole thing really is. May God save our souls.