Cooking from Video Games: The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim Sweet Roll

Fus Ro Dough!

I don’t cook very often, but when I do you can bet there’s going to be a mess in the kitchen.

My mom always taught me the “clean as you go” method. Meaning when you’re done measuring out your flour, you should put it back in the cupboard where you found it. That’s great in practice, but in execution sometimes it just doesn’t work out.

My mother is a wise woman, but if I can put off cleaning for two, even three, days after I’m done cooking, I’m going to do it.

For this particular recipe I used someone else’s recipe as a guideline to help me along, but there were a lot of things missing from it or that I felt needed adjusting, so I made my own rules. My best friend was in town this time around so I used her council as well as my own non-experience in the kitchen to perfect the Skyrim sweet roll recipe. Well, maybe they weren’t perfect, but they were tasty. And I only screwed up a little bit.

Here’s how to make the sweet rolls from The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim:

Ingredients

For the rolls:

  • 1 cup butter (softened)
  • ¾ cup brown sugar (lightly packed)
  • 2 eggs
  • ½ cup milk
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract
  • ¼ cup maple syrup
  • 1 tsp cinnamon
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 2 cups cake flour
  • Something to grease the tins (I used butter)

For the icing:

  • 2 cups powdered sugar
  • ½ cup cream cheese (softened)
  • ¼ cup butter (softened)
  • 5 tbsp milk
  • 1 tsp vanilla

Equipment you will need:

  • A hand mixer
  • Various bowls of different sizes
  • A set of stairs to fall down when you realise you’ve forgotten that your rolls are in the oven
  • Various mixing spoons
  • A jumbo size muffin tin

Related: Cooking From Video Games: The Portal Cake – This Was (Not) a Triumph


How to make the Skyrim sweet rolls

1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees F and feel the warmth of a dragon’s fire inside.

2. Take out a large bowl and cream together the butter and sugar. You’ll want your butter to be softened, not melted. To soften our butter we placed it on top of our preheating oven. Sure, it made butter spill everywhere, but you can deal with that two or three days after the fact so who cares? When you’re done creaming together your butter and sugar with your hand mixer it should be kind of fluffy. If it looks like brains, you didn’t wait long enough for your butter to soften, but you’ll just have to go with it.

3. Stir in your eggs one at a time. Why? I have no idea; it just seems like that’s what professional chefs always do. Then stir in your milk, vanilla, salt, cinnamon and maple syrup.

Note: My friend would like it to be known that syrup and maple syrup are not the same thing. They say and I quote, “Maple syrup is from a tree, syrup is buttery… and disgusting. I wonder if maple syrup is cheaper up north. I’d drink that sh*t out of the bottle.” So be sure to use MAPLE syrup, I guess.

4. Sir in your flour, one half cup at a time, until combined.

5. Grease your muffin tin with the butter that you have obviously been softening for your icing but left on the oven too long so it got super melty. If you are smart and didn’t leave your butter on too long you can use some other butter if you’ve got some or coconut oil, olive oil, spray oil etc. etc.

6. Spoon your batter into your muffin tins. This recipe made 6 muffins in my jumbo muffin tin all about the same size.

7. Bake until golden brown (about 25 minutes).

8. Let them cool completely and remove them from the pan by flipping them GENTLY onto a cooling rack or directly onto your table because you give zero fu*ks.

9. Cut a smallish hole in in the centre of the roll (on the rounded side) with a boba straw. If you do not have a boba straw just use a knife or a spoon or your finger or the force.

Now to make the icing

  1. Mix all of the ingredients together.
  2. If you icing isn’t a smooth consistency, microwave it for a few seconds to soften it up. It should be easy to pour over the edge of your roll. Let the icing fall inside the hole you carved and onto the outside of the roll.

For aesthetic

  1. Clear off your kitchen table
  2. Close your blinds
  3. Gather all of the candles in your house for some mood lighting and surround the roll as if you’re doing a seance.
  4. Put a block of cheese, a glass of wine and some fake plants around the side. Maybe a few grapes on the plate too.
  5. Resist eating.
  6. Seriously, don’t eat it.
  7. Take pictures.
  8. Now eat it.

Things that went wrong so they won’t happen to you

  • Be sure that your butter is softened enough so that when you combine all of the ingredients for your batter together it doesn’t end up look like horrific, melty brains. Maybe take your butter out ahead of time instead of waiting until the last minute.
  • When carving the holes in your rolls don’t go too deep, making a gaping chasm that is irreparable.
  • Do not start playing video games while your rolls are in the oven and almost overcook them.
  • Don’t forget to add your aesthetic glass of wine to the picture of your rolls. Because aesthetic is everything. If you do forget to add it to the pictures, chug it and move on with your life.

Got ideas for food from video games you’d like to see us try and make (probably badly)? Tweet us @game_spew.