The last couple of nights, after my partner has gone up to bed, I’ve been bashing my hairy balls at a quintet of girls’ backsides and boobs.
Yeah, you guessed it: I’ve been playing the latest Senran Kagura game.
Don’t ask me why, but the balls found in Senran Kagura Peach Ball – a lewd pinball game – are hairy. Not only that, but once they’re stimulated enough they explode and cover girls with a “humanising” mist. And these girls need humanising because they’ve been inadvertently turned into beasts.
You see, bored working at her local arcade, Haruka has made some Beastall – a substance that turns those who touch it into animals. You know, just as you do. For some reason she thought leaving it on a shelf in the women’s toilet would be safe, and of course she thought wrong. Cue Yumi, Yomi, Murasaki, Asuka and Ryōna coming into contact with the Beastall and becoming a little furrier than they used to be. And you’ve been roped in to help restore them to their former selves.
As you can expect, Senran Kagura Peach Ball‘s story is very lighthearted, and also utterly nonsensical. Honestly, you probably won’t care about it one bit. There isn’t that much of it to be honest, though. It feels like it’s merely there to break up the pinball action, which commences once the girls have found a way to lure one of the Beastall-stricken members of the team on top of the pinball machine.
Initially, you might think that Senran Kagura Peach Ball isn’t that bad. The pinball table you’re first presented with is bright and colourful, though perhaps a little empty. And as you find your feet flipping your hairy balls into uncharted territory, you discover a nice range of minigames and features. But then things start to go downhill.
You begin to notice that Senran Kagura Peach Ball‘s physics aren’t very good, for example, and that it’s easy to lose track of your hairy ball. You also might begin to feel like it’s getting boring and repetitive, because while it initially seems like the table is packed with things to do, it actually isn’t. But you’ll power on, eager to see what the next table throws at you.
Completing a pinball table in Senran Kagura Peach Ball to progress the story requires you to fill a Peach Ball meter in the top right-hand side of the screen. Split into three segments, each time you fill one of them you need to whack the girl strewn across the upper part of the pinball table with your hairy ball to initiate a “Sexy Challenge”. These range from hitting an ice cream cart to a spinning top, and once completed the lucky lady is left overwhelmed in a compromising position.
When the third segment is full, however, it’s not just a simple Sexy Challenge, it’s a “Super Sexy Challenge” you’re treated to, in which you initially pound a lucky lady’s boobs or bum with a pair of hairy balls before moving up to paddle them with flippers instead. Then, a solitary hairy ball explodes, releases a mist, and the Beastall-stricken damsel is left naked but once again a human. Really, if I hadn’t played it I wouldn’t believe it.
After completing Senran Kagura Peach Ball‘s first stage I wasn’t impressed with the pinball action, but everything about the experience was so over-the-top and weird that I couldn’t help but be entertained by it. But then I played the second stage and it was the same pinball table as the first, just with some minor graphical differences. Then I tried the third stage and it was the same again.
Only upon reaching the fourth stage was there a new pinball table for me to go at, but it didn’t really feel all that different from the one I’d already played three times. And then I reached the fifth and final stage, which surprise, surprise, used the same table as the fourth but just looked a little bit different. So basically Senran Kagura Peach Ball is a pinball game with only two tables. I believe the free version of Pinball FX3 has that, and it’s actually a bloody good pinball game as well.
“But Richard, it’s a Senran Kagura game, you can’t expect it to be a good pinball game!” I hear people shout who wholeheartedly love anime tiddies. Well more fool you, because for £35.99/$39.99 it most definitely should be. There’s a few hours gameplay here at most, which makes it terrible value for money. Trust me, you won’t really be wanting to return to play its two pinball tables in Free mode, because they’re boring as hell once you’ve played them multiple times already in Story Mode.
So, I just don’t see the point in Senran Kagura Peach Ball. If you want to play pinball, download Pinball FX3 for free and you’re all sorted. Maybe buy a table or two that take your fancy to expand your options. If you want to see some anime tiddies, open up your browser and do a google search. I mean, Senran Kagura Peach Ball isn’t awful, but I don’t see any reason why you need to spend £35.99/$39.99 on it.