After Sayonara Wild Hearts was nominated for so many awards at The Game Awards 2019, I looked it up, and I still wasn’t quite sure what it was about.
But now, after playing it after its release on Xbox, I finally know. It’s about the wisest, most sophisticated members of our species: bisexuals.
We’ve been in hiding a long time like chubby, sly trash pandas, waiting for the perfect video game to worship as our god. It has finally emerged, the stuffed burrito of our dreams, ready to help us shout into the void “BOTH IS GOOD” and assist in fulfilling our secretive Agenda.
Here are just five reasons why Sayonara Wild Hearts from Simogo and Annapurna Interactive is helping to fulfil that Bi Agenda – with just a small side of queso.
Sayonara Wild Hearts’ colour palette is like landing on a planet after 1,645 days in space and you (a raging bisexual) are the only one there. It is all grey. Dull, dreary and absolutely no colour. I’m talking about old-timey films; black and white. And you’re looking at this grey planet and you’re thinking, “Okay, you know what? We can make this place totally bitchin’.” And there’s no one there to tell you that making the entire world blue and purple and pink probably isn’t the best idea, but you do anyway because you can.
That’s Sayonara Wild Hearts. It’s a bi planet filled with sexy martial art-knowing, sword-wielding hot babes on a screen in front of me, fulfilling my dreams. And it’s friggin’ beautiful.
Have you ever gone on a road trip with a friend and neither one of you can decide what to listen to? You, having incredible taste and an impressive backlog of wonderful indie artists stored on your phone, want to listen to Lana Del Rey, Arcade Fire or Bon Iver, while they, clearly being an uncultured swine that you never should have befriended in the first place, pull up the likes of Taylor Swift or Maroon 5. Gag me.
The soundtrack to Sayonara Wild Hearts is the perfect thing to blast as high as it can go in your car to drown out the sounds of your ex-friend trying to sing Shake It Off while you consider shaking the car off the road and kicking them out as quickly as possible.
Hang on a second, did you say “hot babes”? Yes, yes I did. Did I ‘ship your main character with all of her sexy enemies while you were playing the game? Yes, yes I did. Was I absolutely elated when they all kissed at the end? Don’t make me say it: OF COURSE I WAS.
Just because you were in danger of being taken out by giant swords or running into trees doesn’t mean you can’t think about what might happen after the battle. *wink wink*
I’m not saying anything. Not a thing. Except one more thing. Sayonara Wild Hearts is clearly about being inclusive. I mean – there’s some furries too.
Everyone knows that bisexuals are always running late. That’s because we’re constantly getting into mischief, meeting up with our friends, and staying in bed until noon watching YouTube videos. Which is why the length of Sayonara Wild Hearts is perfect for us. At only about an hour and half – depending on how many times you die – not only is the game a convenient length allowing you to finish it in one sitting, but after each song you’re brought back to the main menu so you can stop if you need to.
Anything that caters to a bisexual’s inherent lack of free time is perfect.
Sailor Moon Transformations and Tarot Cards
If you were a kid around the time that I was, late 90s early 2000s, then you probably watched an episode or two (or five, or 200) of Sailor Moon. Those moments in Sayonara Wild Hearts when the characters spin around, transforming into a different outfit, a different person, a different self, is everything us 90s kids (and us bis) have ever wanted.
The tarot cards are also another lovely part of the game that shouts to the heavens “the bisexuals have arrived!” We love telling other people’s futures and tarot cards are a perfect way to do that. Tarot cards are all about feeling the energy of the cards and Sayonara Wild Hearts is all about feeling the energy of the game. They’re a perfect addition.
I mean, anyone else can – and should – play Sayonara Wild Hearts too. It’s not just for the bis. Except it is. Just a little bit. But I suppose we’ll let everyone else enjoy it too, if they must.