Have you ever ventured into the Questions & Answers section of an Amazon product listing? We have, and the results are often hilarious.
We’ve spent a good half hour or so laughing our way through the Q&A section of Amazon’s listing of The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom. Some people have serious, helpful questions to ask – like does it come with a pre-order price guarantee (yes), and when does it come out (12th May). But we’re not interested in those sensible questions. We’re here for the silly, ridiculous ones.
And so, behold. Here’s everything about The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom you always wanted to know but were too afraid to ask. The Amazon customers of the world have you covered.
Q. Will this game have Wario as the main character?
Will The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom have Wario as the main character? As cool as that would be, we can of course safely agree the answer is a big fat no. But here’s what Amazon customers had to say:
A. “OMG! The name of the character is right there in the title! ZELDA! You play as ZELDA just has you always have!” – D. Housh
A. “According to the Features & details: ‘Get behind the visor of intergalactic bounty hunter Samus Aran in her critically-acclaimed first-person adventure’.” – Robert A Dean Jr
Er, think you might be reading the back of the wrong box there, Robert.
A. “He will be an unlockable character if you cook the correct combination of foods, herbs, and monster parts.” – New Customer
New Customer is joshing us here, but we can’t help but think about how excellent that would be. Imagine: Wario popping up out of a big cooking pot when you’ve put the right number of bits of grass in there. “Ta-da! It’s me, Wario!”
Q. Is this real?
Is this Amazon customer having an existential crisis, or are they doubting the information on the listing being correct? We’ll probably never know.
A. “From the stand point of a non-real universe everything is both real and real at the same time. Much like that cat that is stuck in the box.” – B Staley
A. “It actually doesn’t exist. The actual game is Super Mario: Tears of the Odyssey. Also known as Breath of the Odyssey 2.” – Yes
We’d definitely play it.
Q. Is Donkey Kong a playable character?
Follow up question: and if he is, can Link ride on his back?
A. “Yes and you’ll be able to donkey force your way through the game.” – Mikaela
Q. Will this finally get me laid?
Ah, the real question we all want to know about The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom. Will buying or owning it help this young Amazon shopper get laid?
A. “Well, I hear some complained about BoTW being too easy towards the end, so yeah, you’ll get laid (to rest) a lot.” – SMJ
A. “My magic 8 ball says: Outlook not so good. I’m very sorry your future looks bleak. Maybe in eight more years when BOTW3 is released. In the meantime, please continue to work on your grip strength.” – Mark
Ouch. Sorry, dude.
Q. Is this called “Tears” of the Kingdom, like crying? or “Tears” of the Kingdom, like paper? I need to know before I pre-order, I only want emo princess
Hey, it’s a good question.
A. “It has been confirmed to be tears as in crying.” – Renzo C.
Emo princess confirmed! Thanks Renzo.
Q. Is it “tears” or “tears”?
A. Tears. – Mikaela
Thanks for clearing that up.
Q. Will this game teach me real life combat skills so I can plot the downfall of my enemies?
We worry a little bit about some of the people asking these questions.
A. “There is only one way to find out.” – Hollylujah