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Watch Dogs, with a car hitting a bollard.

The Watch Dogs movie needs to be two hours of hot bollard action

We’re officially getting a Watch Dogs movie (via Deadline), and we couldn’t be happier. It’s not that we’ve been tirelessly campaigning for a movie based on Ubisoft’s open-world series, far from it. But this is a chance for Hollywood to truly capture the essence of a game, and give us two solid hours of car-on-bollard action.

The game was ostensibly about Aidan Pearce avenging his family, uncovering a conspiracy through his mad hacking skills, etc etc. But for us, it was all about the bollards. We never, ever, ever got tired of hacking bollards raising them just as cars were about to drive over them. We weren’t putting paid to a police chase, or otherwise saving our own skin. No, we were just exerting our evil influence on the citizens of Chicago.

Let’s face it, movies based on games are often mediocre, breaking even if the studio’s lucky. Why? Often it’s down to the characters who are voids for the player to insert themselves into. That works for games, but movies? Not so much. And, despite his quest for revenge, Aidan Pearce just wasn’t that interesting.

So, skip all of that and go right to the bollards. Ever seen those clips of idiots driving over bollards, trying to sneak through after a bus and annihilating their front bumper? Make Watch Dogs two maybe even three hours of that. No actual casualties, just drivers stepping out of their vehicles, gazing in horror at their demolished front ends.

Sophie Wilde (Talk to Me) is supposedly set to star in the movie, so cast her as a vengeful traffic warden and have her running around town ruining BMWs (or whatever product placement studio New Regency Pictures can wrangle). Throw in the odd bollard jump or two, just for bike fans, roll credits, you’re golden.

The Watch Dogs movie will be directed by Mathieu Turi (The Deep Dark) and written by Christie LeBlanc (Oxygen) so there may some intrigue to go along with the hot traffic-stopping action. With no release date as yet, we’ll have to wait and hope and draw up our plans for a bollard-shaped popcorn bucket.

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