Totally True Gaming News Round Up: Destiny 2's Offensive Armour, Luigi's Death Stare Upgraded and More.

Once in a while, there comes an idea that is so powerful and so revolutionary that that it elevates humanity to new heights.

Unfortunately, we’re still waiting for such an idea. So in the meantime here’s the guff that’s been happening in the games industry, as confirmed true by GameSpew’s own robotic Norris McWhirter simulacrum.

Charred Eddie Izzard to be added to Pokémon Sun and Moon

Game Freak, developers of Pokémon Sun and Moon, have this week that they will be adding a charred Eddie Izzard to the popular monster-training RPGs. The move is in response to complaints from fans who purchased the game and were disappointed to discover the absence of any lightly-hurt celebrities.

It has been traditional for each Pokémon game to feature at least one public figure or comedian with non-life threatening injuries. The UK version of Pokemon X and Y included a bruised Brian Blessed, while the US release of the game had a sunburnt Sarah Silverman. GameFreak have yet to specify which notable individuals will be in Pokemon Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon but rumours are that a chafed Chevy Chase will put in an appearance.

Destiny 2 developers apologise after offensive image appears on in-game armour

The developers of Destiny 2 have issued a formal apology after players noticed a particularly offensive image adorning a set of in-game armour. The item in question, which has since been modified to remove the image, featured the face of YouTuber Felix Kjellberg, better known as PewDiePie.

“We were totally unaware of the controversy surrounding this particular individual,” explained Will Simons, spokesman for Bungle, developers of the mildly-popular online shooter. “We just Google Image Searched for ‘gurning buffoon’ and that was the first picture that came up. We had absolutely no idea that he was so utterly, irredeemably awful. By way of apology, we have mailed a free fidget spinner to any individuals who may have been offended.”

The armour now sports the visage of deceased Airwolf actor Ernest Borgnine.

L.A. Noire re-release includes time travel and a dance-off

This week saw the surprising news that LA Noire, Rockstar’s last-gen detective game, is coming to current platforms with a range of tweaks and updates. After digging through Rockstar’s bins, GameSpew can exclusively reveal some of the improvements the game will be receiving:

Inspecting a cigarette packet for more than half an hour will result in a verbal rebuke from fellow officers.
If no other officers are present, a disquieting, inhuman moan will be broadcast over the game’s soundtrack.
Characters are now 20% less racist.
On the Nintendo Switch, blood will be replaced by sweat.
Time-travelling Jack the Ripper mission added.
Cole winks at the camera every time anyone uses the words “grand theft auto”.
Game concludes with a dance-off.

Nintendo takes Luigi’s Death Stare to next level

Nintendo has issued an update for Mario Kart 8 Deluxe that adds a range of new customisation options to Luigi, one of the game’s most popular racers. Prior updates allowed players to tweak the appearance of his brother Mario, letting them play as the plumber’s Hotel Mario incarnation or as Bob Hoskins from the 1993 Super Mario Bros. movie.

This new patch lets gamers upgrade Luigi’s Death Stare. Instead of subjecting players to his hateful, rage-filled gaze, Luigi now opens his eyes to reveal not eyes but his brother Mario’s unsettling, pale nipples. One beta-tester described the effect as “Utterly, inhumanly terrifying”, pausing only to wipe the blood from his eyeballs.

Dennis Hopper was unavailable for comment.

And that’s all the news. Next week’s predictions; XBox One games to save hard drive space by removing gameplay, Naughty Dog will be renamed They’re Good Dogs, Nathan and Fire Emblem adds Ace Attorney’s Larry Butz as a playable character.